"Nutshelling"

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April 6th, 2016

Proposal, wedding planning, work, sleep...

This sums up most of my life from the past few months. Cam you believe it? I'm getting married! I found him, the man of my dreams, and after waiting and praying for over a year, he proposed. To ME!

My life has been a bittersweet blend of happy, eventful, and also sad. In the midst of the wedding planning, I watched my grandmother learn that she had cancer, go through a session of chemo, say farewell to the people who love her dearly, and finally "slip the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God."

I didn't want to accept it at first. Grandma was one of my best friends, and I feel ashamed to remember all that she sacrificed for me when returned so little of her kindness. I'm going to miss her very much.
    Planning a wedding while I watched her slowly die seemed so wrong. At the end, I took time off work and stayed with my family so that I could be there for them all. I will never regret that. I also was privileged to speak at my grandma's funeral this past weekend. I wish she could have been at my wedding. I know she's full of joy in heaven with the Lord right now, and that makes it easier to let her go.

Now, with my wedding just over the weeks away, I'm a busy girl. Is it a sin to forego house cleaning when your life is practically a disaster? I work, I go home, I accomplish more wedding planning, and I go to bed. My dear Brandyn has been a huge help planning our wedding. Right away when we started, I told him it was OUR wedding, not just mine, and so I wanted to make sure that everything we planned passed his approval first, from the invitation, to the flowers, to the color scheme. I couldn't have done all of this without him - which is good, because we'll be working together for, Lord willing, many years to come!

Brandyn is a gem. He's the sunshine in my cloudy life. I love him so much! I'm thankful the wait to marry him is nearly at an end!

Now you know why I haven't had much time to write. We fiances have to keep busy! Since you've been caught up, I hope to write often from now on. Thank you for reading; it's good to know that someone out there cares to read about my humdrum life. =)

garden of roses

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Since I was little, I have had three dreams for my life, three desires the Lord planted in my heart from an early age: The first is to one day become a wife and mother; the second, to become an author, for I'm sure you know how I love to write! And thirdly, but certainly not least of all in importance, to live for Christ and strive to give Him the glory with all I have and am.

In the last steps of spring last year just before summer had begun, my soul was in despair over the fear that I might never see my first dream come to pass. I foolishly kept searching and searching for 'him' without fully trusting the Lord to bring him to me, and after having my heart broken to a state I never thought I would recover from, I lost all hope that such a man even existed. No one could really fit the long list of traits I was looking for, surely; no one could ever truly like me for me! I can count on one hand how many men who have ever looked twice at me. I was despairing, and so exhausted of rejection that I decided I would never let another man enter my heart. And yet, I knew if I did this, if I held back, if I put a wall up all around me, I would never truly heal. I had a wound cut deeply into my heart, and the disappointment I felt was like poison in my injury; I was festering in a state of complete doubt of God's sovereignty.

    One day when I told Him bluntly in my prayers during church my despondent thoughts, 'I have stopped believing any such man exists' - and oh, what hopeless tears drenched my eyes with this wretched 'prayer'! - then, praise the Lord, not four hours later at an event after the church service, He showed me someone... one man I had known for a few years, but never really considered. Why would he be interested in me? He is so above me in character and sweetness! Instinct made me cautious from the very second my heart began to hope again; the fear of disappointment still stung bitterly, and I would not let my heart be broken again!

    I had a pleasant conversation with this friend, and soon - much sooner than I expected - my sister came and took hold of my arm to bring me away so that we could head home. I did not want to leave him - it felt good to hope again! - but I tore myself away with my sister's help, and walked from the building to the sidewalk on the way to the car, wondering about what God was doing. I saw a small leaf there on the concrete, shaped like a heart, about the size of the print of my thumb, and I picked it up. I turned it over in my hand and prayed in thanks to the Lord:

"I don't know if this will ever turn out to be anything, if this is really Your will at all, but thank You for teaching me to hope again, Father! Help me to trust in You!"

One month later, this young man began talking to me more often, in my eyes very deliberately seeking to do so, but I kept my heart in check and did not allow any flutterings over what might not be anything more than simple, impartial kindness. Still another month, and we took a walk around the evening church parking lot, talking about photography (as we often did), clouds, sunsets, trees, his family's farm, and whatever else came to mind. We were about to step onto a park path to continue our walk, when I realized it was the time when my family had planned to leave. We started back in that direction, crossing the road back to the sidewalk behind the church building. Before our feet hit the edge of the road, he began to say what caused butterflies to swarm in my chest and made my heart beat out of time: he explained that he had been thinking and praying about it for a long time, and wanted to get to know me better. A pursuing friendship with an eye for marriage, but with more caution than 'dating'. Going out for coffee or dinner and casually spending time together so that we can learn more about each other and see if it may be God's will for us to be together. We talked about limits in touch - no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands - and found that in everything we talked about, we were completely like-minded. He wanted to make his intentions clear to me, that he was interested in me. I told him I would like to think and pray about it, and talk to my family first, and he told me to take my time, that there was no pressure, and he was completely patient.

    My family was not yet ready to leave after all, so we kept walking and talking, both of us, I think, very excited and happy!

That was over a year ago! I can barely remember the old days of despair and disappointment.... For the first time in my life, I have let the Lord lead me in regards to finding the right man, and I believe I have at last! My dear friend meets up with everything on my list; we seem sweetly alike in personalities, and still agree on every subject we have talked on, excepting tomatoes, onions, mustard, and other silly foods that change nothing.

    Brandyn. His name is Brandyn. He has become my very best friend - I found I am closer and more alike in every way to no one else I have ever met! He amazes me... he is the most humble, thankful, joyful man I know! For once in my life, I am not trying to force someone in whom I am interested into the mold I've been searching for all my life, not making petty arguments with myself to say 'No, really, this guy is different!' For once, I am leaning on the Lord, and He is continuing to bless this relationship, and make me all the more certain with every day that I have found the man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.

Brandyn... I didn't believe that you really existed, and yet there you were all that time, right under my nose! I couldn't see our Lord's plan; I had no knowledge of how He would cause our friendship to become something so precious, something I would not trade for the whole universe! I am so glad the Lord broke me, and showed me His way. Wow! It's you!! I will wait for you, sweetie, because I know it will be so worth it!

Patiently Alone

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Good morning, world! I can't even remember the last time I said hello or shared anything with you all! I've been off work this week because of sickness. In a way, I miss my job and am excited to get back to it, yet also, I get anxious, not really ready to let go of these peaceful days of breakfasting out-of-doors and being able to read the Word whenever I want! I'm never quite ready to return to the fast-paced lifestyle in the cities. It's so beautiful here in my front yard, under the shade of our old river birch. I've loved this break from the daily chaos and catch up on some valuable things.

And now, basking in the perfection of today, I wish my guy was here with me. My boyfriend, the man God brought me to who is strong in faith and gentle and kind and everything a man should be. We've been dating since March, and have been dearly pursuing each other since last August, and have known each other for several years! He's my best friend, and I miss him sorely right now. I've had the week off, but he has still been busy and working hard, and I haven't seen him yet at all. Maybe you've felt it, that longing to be with someone, so potent you feel short of breath and achy in your chest until you're by their side. I wish I was sitting accross from him here on the patio, eating toast with jelly and drinking tea or coffee and reading the Word together. I'll just have to wait. And that's the hard part, really; I don't want to wait. If I had my way, I'd be married by now, getting up before the sun to make my husband breakfast before work, doing dishes, laundry, and making a home feel like home. But that's just not the Lord's timing right now. I'm very thankful for the stage I'm in; I mean, how many years have I been crying out for the Lord to bring the right someone into my life? Dreadful waiting. This stage I'm in right now is a completely different kind of waiting; I know who my prince charming is! I prefer this kind of waiting a million times more. There's a rest that comes with knowing. But still, this guy is everything I could have asked for and more! I want to spend every second with him! Well, as they say, waiting always is longer than you would like, but shorter than you think. I'll be patient, Lord. You've never disappointed me! I'll be thankful for my quiet morning alone, and give it to You!

june's tears dried

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I have been looking back at this old draft of a blog post (below) which I began on June 1st this year.
    I was kind of surprised by it, because presently, my thoughts are so joyful and thankful that I can scarcely imagine having ever been in such a wicked, selfish, despondent state of mind! I have to admit that a little over five months ago, I really was nearly hopeless. I was still experiencing the effects of the most difficult trial I have ever endured, and was at possibly the weakest point in my faith in my entire life. Well, read it for yourself and see what I mean:

Hopes shattered. Dreams lost. Heart broken. It just sounds like a recipe for despair.

I have had innumerable voices in my head, tempting me to replay my miserable experiences over and over again, and other voices shouting over the former din that hope is just around the corner and I just need to stop being miserable for myself.
    Both kinds of voices are exceedingly annoying.
    I have never needed this much time to process a trial and where to go next as right now. I have never felt lonelier, and I have never been more tempted to hold on to bitterness and anger and pain. My eyes are sore from crying, from pouring my heart out to God. In my loneliness, I long for a friend who will listen to my outpouring of confusion, but I fear that all I will receive is advice and encouragement about the future. An aching heart in this condition does not want assurance about the future, which is unsure - a person with a broken foot would never believe that walking on the fractured bones will promote healing - what the heart longs for is peace, rest. Fear about the future may be tied in somewhere, but that is not the issue; it is letting go of the past.
    Praying and praying, I have been begging God to direct my thoughts out of selfishness and into His control. Today, I stopped making excuses and picked up "Passion &; Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot, which offered me exactly what I needed to hear:

The important thing is to receive this moment's experience with both hands. Don't waste it. "Wherever you are, be all there," Jim once wrote. "Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
    A lovely moonlit night, but I am alone. Shall I resent the very moonlight itself because my lover is somewhere else?
    A cozy candlelit supper with friends - couples, except for me. Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single? Have I been "cheated"? Who cheated me?
    The phone rings. Oh! Maybe it will be he! It's somebody selling light bulbs. Shall I be rude because he ought to have been somebody else?
    A letter in the mailbox that (for once) doesn't look like junk mail or a bill. I snatch it eagerly. It's from Aunt Susie. Do I throw it aside in disgust?
    I know all about this kind of response. I've been there many times. Something I wrote to Jim once must have revealed my resentment, for he wrote, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." That was exactly what I had let it do.
    There were times, I'm sure, when if anyone had tried to talk to me of the happiness of heaven I would have turned away in a huff. The painful thing was that other folks had not only heaven to look forward to, but they had "all this and heaven, too," "this" being engagement or marriage. I was covetous. When the Apostle Paul wrote to the Roman Christians about the happy certainty of heaven, he went on to say, "This doesn't mean, of course, that we have only a hope of future joys - we can be full of joy here and now even in our trials and troubles."
    Even when I'm feeling most alone - on that moonlit night, in the middle of the candlelit supper, when the phone call and the letter don't come - can I be "full of joy, here and now"? Yes, that is what the Bible says. That means it must be not only true, but possible, and possible for me.
    "Taken in the right spirit these very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature character, and a character of this sort produces a steady hope, a hope that will never disappoint us."
    Taken in the right spirit. These are the operative words. The empty chair, the empty mailbox, the wrong voice on the phone have no particular magic in themselves that will make a mature character out of a lonely man or woman. They will never produce a steady hope. Not at all. The effect of my troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves, but on how I receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something very different from a mature character, something nobody is going to like.
    Look at the choices:

    rebellion - if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
    rejection - if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.
    faith - God knows exactly what He's doing.
    acceptance - He loves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it.

    The words "full of joy here and now" depend on the words "taken in the right spirit." You can't have one without the other. Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope.

{End quote}

So, the issue I have been dealing with is actually not having anyone at all. Elizabeth was lonely for Jim Elliot, the man she hoped but did not yet know that she was going to marry. I am lonely for my friends who have been gone eleven days on a long road trip, but I am even lonelier for a man; the man God has set aside for me, which this morning at church, I admitted in prayer that I had stopped believing even exists out there somewhere for me. Anyway, regardless of this difference in circumstance, the truth rings out just as clearly for me.
    I am so grateful for women who have been encouraging me, who have known the heartbreak I have been going through and are seeking to support me according to God's Word. I have been so tempted to seclude myself, but I know that is unwise.

{back to the present}

Wow. All this over a boy!

I'm certain that if I could have seen where the Lord was going to lead me just a couple of months after I wrote those sorrowful words, lifting my head in hope would have come far faster. But He had a lesson to teach me, and it could not have been learned any other way except through suffering.

Even just seven days after I wrote those sorrowful, struggling words, God taught me how to hope again. He showed me my foolish depression, and reminded me of His good plan and all the ways in which He had already proven Himself in the past. He corrected my doubtful thinking - I dishonored Him by disbelieving - and gave me a reason to begin hoping again.

I can barely remember those painful days, so much so that they feel more like one long, awful dream that I have been awake from for some time. Now, a bruise on my arm is just a reminder that when I pinch myself, I am wide awake, and the beauty of each day is real.

I thank God that I am not the person I was then in those old days of despair; that even in so short a time, He has grown and strengthened me. The pruning was indeed exceedingly painful, but I am beginning to see the fruit. Rooted and dependent upon Christ, He is giving me the desires of my heart, above and beyond what I could have ever dared ask for!

June's tears have long since been dried, and I find myself smiling at the future! What next, Lord? I will take whatever brings You the most glory! Help me to be faithful.

thank You for the little things

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Thank You, Lord, for tea biscuits, for long walks at dusk,
    for bronze mailbox numbers that reflect light like lava.

Thank You for books upon books - more than one can read in a lifetime!

Thank You for friends, who love me even when I feel most alone;
    for family that wraps me up in 'snuggly' hugs
    and tell me that they love me.

Thank You for cameras, for Drama Class, for fifteen choices of tea.

Thank You for alarm clocks - even when I want least to wake up.

Thank You for table lamps, cookbooks, video games, and pillows.

Thank You for fingers for typing and playing piano; for prayer, for stories,
    for funny TV shows, for John MacArthur sermons,
    for a building for my church to worship in.

Thank You for voices with which to sing praises to You!

Thank You for watch faces that spin an tick a happy tune in my ear,
    for cat food dishes, for autumn orange hand-knit blankets,
    for green jeans, for stuffed toy bunnies.

Thank You for wilted roses, for shiny silver earrings, for recycled paper notebooks,
    for bottles full of moss, for unscented lotion,
    for Swedish dolls that stack inside of each other.

Thank You for dried flowers, for eyeglasses, for chopsticks, for 'present' rings.

Thank You for tales by the Brothers Grimm, for emery boards, for postage stamps.

Thank You for sandwiches, for ribbons, for electrical cords, for backpacks.

Thank You for the little things, 
    the forgotten things, 
    the things we take for granted.

wild rumpus

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Surprises. I have had a lot of them lately.

I have a complex view of surprises; if I know generally what to prepare for, what to expect, I will probably like it a lot; if it seems like everyone knows what it is except for me, I will be virtually tortured until the surprise is at length revealed; if I know something is up, but when I ask about it no one will tell me anything except 'You'll like it', I will be all but driven mad. But perhaps the most surprising thing of all is that I really have enjoyed every one of the most recent surprises immensely. I guess it is just 'getting there' that is hard for me.

About three or so weeks ago, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party (my little sister had a huge hand in it; I think it was even her idea in the first place). I am the sort that when I see something fishy going on - people quieting or shifting feet when I come near, sharing whispers and occasionally glancing my way, or the like - I fine-tune my ears, sharpen my vision, and become the most aware and suspicious sleuth I know.

    Having discovered the hard way from a previous mystery party that my attitude only increased my irritation as no one would tell me anything - that, of course, is what surprises are supposed to be - I, this time, was purposefully ignoring the symptoms of secret-keeping. And besides this, my friends (who had quickly learned my tendency to grow snoopy) were being extra careful to keep me in the dark.

    After returning home from some fun hours of lunch and shopping with one of my best friends, my little sister drew me into our library - my dad is amazing, and we actually have a room devoted entirely to books, and our grand piano (and well, the TV, too) - by playing one of my favorite video games, Spyro: A Hero's Tail. (I cannot resist it, and boy, does she ever know my weakness!)

    About to chastise her for gaming without me, I stopped short when I saw the elaborate streamers, and then looked to the side to see almost our entire church youth group huddled against the wall, smiling like excited imps - they looked somewhere between plain happy and mischievous - and it took me all of a split second to realize what was going on. Then they jumped up and yelled 'surprise', at which I teared up; this, partly because I was impressed at how well they had kept everything a secret without annoying me, and partly because I felt so honored, privileged, and special that they had put in the time and energy to make a surprise party just for little old me on my twentieth birthday.

    And you know what? It ended up being one of the best surprises I had ever had!

When my grandparents took me to the Ordway to see the Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra last Friday, I knew exactly where I was going, exactly who with and what for; I was informed that the venue would be fancy - you understand I had never been there before - and that I would most certainly enjoy it a great deal. What surprised me was that it was well beyond what I expected: Infinitely lovelier, far more spacious and grand, and the music above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I learned that Mendelssohn's piece 'The Hebrides Overture (Fingal's Cave)' is possibly my favorite piece of music ever - other, of course, from my favorite song, In Christ Alone, and my favorite hymn, Come Thou Fount.

    It was the best kind of surprise - better than I could have hoped or dreamed.

And this morning, one of my very best friends in all the world took me on a trip she admitted she had been planning for about a month. She had given me a card the previous Sunday at church telling me she was taking me on an adventure, and suggested some things for me to bring: Bible, notebook, camera, and (of course) adventure boots!

    She picked me up this morning and brought me to Minneapolis to a little bookstore for 'young people' (about ages 3 to at least 20). ;) It was called 'Wild Rumpus' - just like from Where the Wild Things Are. (And just for the record, I love that book!)

    We spent a few hours in that store, looking at new books, treasuring old ones we had read before, ogling various artwork, and petting the chickens. Yes, they had chickens in the store - petite little things, one black and one grey - roaming free for anyone to enjoy. Several children were chasing after the hens intermittently, and finally my friend gently caught one and cuddled with it for a few minutes. The hen did not seem to wish to leave her hand! There were also caged Chinchillas, many pretty birds, and even a small tarantula named Thomas Jefferson.

    I wish I could describe the ceiling for you, yet I am afraid I will not do it justice. The creativity raised my eyebrows and drew in my camera for a click or two. It had two layers, one of water and a lower one of ice, which appeared to be being cracked by a canoe. The sight daunted me for a moment. I was impressed by the imagination. Actually, that detail itself almost made the whole trip worth it!

    I purchased Enna Burning by Shannon Hale, a book I have read before but never owned (I wrote a review on it a couple years ago here on my blog). There were at least ten or more books I dearly wished to buy, but alas; a nanny's pocketbook is rarely full enough to purchase a whole shelf of treasures.

    Besides this, my friend and I enjoyed an unplanned but peaceful scenic drive around a lake, a visit to the beautiful Victorian-styled Lake Harriet Bandstand, the Lakewood Cemetery, and we even discovered a sidewalk 'little library' box, in which we left a secret note in dwarfish script (based on that found within the Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien). It read,

'Greetings, dear reader.
I hope you enjoy your books.
From the green elves of the north.'

And I drew a little symbol using the first letters of my and my friend's names. I hope someone finds it and takes the time to discover what it says! Simple though it is, I presume it will make a nice bookmark for its discoverer. We decided next time we came by - for I am sure that we will, perhaps this spring or summer - to bring a book or two to trade. How will I ever give up one of my books, though, even if I get one in return?? Maybe I will just pick up a random book at a garage sale and trade that instead. 'One man's trash is another man's treasure.'

    All in all, though we felt a bit rushed - I am certain we could have spent days in these places and not have enjoyed all they had to offer - the adventure was wonderful, truly worth the wait. And I am so thankful to the friend who gave this to me as my birthday gift. (Let's have more adventures soon, eh?) ;)

I realize it has been long since I last wrote - over two months, I believe! Well, I shall simply have to make up for that. After so much time, I have much to tell.

treasure the little things

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Thanksgiving is here. As exciting as it can be, shopping for dinner rolls or cans of cranberry sauce, rushing around decorating and going someplace to celebrate the plenty with which God has blessed this generation, I am going to assume that many of you feel you do not have much to be thankful for. Perhaps there are not many or even any incredibly wowing events in your life at the moment. Perhaps it is quite the opposite, that there is many a hardship which you are struggling through presently, many a person whose relationship with you seems irreparable. Perhaps there has been death or sickness, or other suffering in your life which puts that empty hollow in your chest, so that you feel you do not have the happiness you believe you should on such a holiday. Well, I hope to remedy this abject thinking. I am not going to give a long lecture on the pilgrims and their hardships and their thankfulness on the providence of God, although this is a wonderful fact of history to be reminded of. I want to explain the title of this chapter and how it applies to tomorrow. Read on.

Almost exactly a year ago when I began taking some portrait sessions for others, I came up with a slogan, if you will, for my photography: treasure the little things. I suppose I have not actually begun to use it yet on Alabaster Rose Photography (my Facebook page), but I say it often anyway, because aside from photography, I have short proverbs or mottos I like to quote to myself and others, more of which I shall probably blog about soon enough, but this one seemed best fitting at present. As said before, in this life there oft seems to be very little to be thankful for. Now I make a practice to never allow myself to ask God why things are not better than they are. Instead, I thank Him for the little things. Believe me, when you really think about it, you have so much to thank Him for.

Every single day when I wake up, I thank God for the day.

It is so simple, but life itself is an incredible blessing which we do not deserve! I could go on for pages and pages about God’s grace to everyone in allowing us to live even though we are all sinners and deserve death! It is part of His ‘common grace’, the grace given to both those who are Saved by faith in Christ Jesus, and to those who have never heard His name or worse, outright refused Him. Life is a precious gift that everyone takes for granted.

I thank God for every single meal I eat.

I have only ever gone hungry a very few times in my entire life. Not everyone can say that. In fact, there are millions of people in the world who can probably say that they have only ever had their stomachs filled a very few times in their life! Some perhaps have never even had an entire meal before. I get to wake up every day and have the problem of deciding what I want to eat. This is a gift from God. May I never dare to forget such a gift! On Thanksgiving especially I always think about the turkey, the cranberry sauce, and all of the staples of the season which are really privileges and blessings, not requirements, and one which many others certainly do not have the means to enjoy as we do. This is another subject I could go on talking about for hours, as it is one that breaks my heart; the idea of starving children compared with we who are rich – for we who have funds enough to purchase pleasures on top of our daily needs certainly are very, very rich – gorging ourselves on more food than our stomachs need because of the tradition of celebrating plenty. It is barbaric. It is heartbreaking. I thank the Lord for my plenty, and I pray for the poor over nearly every bite, and give when I can so that they may be filled. (James 2:15-16, Luke 6:31)

I thank God for my family.

Obviously not everyone has family. Who might they celebrate with on Thanksgiving? Might they celebrate at all? I have family. In fact, there is not one close member of my family – not one grandparent, not one cousin, not one brother or sister or parent who has died in my life. The great-grandparents whom I was too young to know have died. Distant relations and friends of friends have died. Many, many pets have died. In fact, the closest creatures to me who have ever died, human or animal, have been my cats. I cannot know this heartbreak, though I know that I shall have my share of it one day. This presence of all of the people whom I love in my life is a most rare and precious gift. Better still, though not all Saved, I do not have any family members with whom I do not get along. And I will thank the Lord even should these relationships crumble. I will thank the Lord even when I lose to death the people closest to me. He is sovereign, and I will thank him for the time I have had getting-along with and loving my family.

I thank God for books, I thank Him for knitting, I thank Him for blankets, for tea, for paper, my house, my own bedroom, for my last living and very dear cat, for lamps, candles, pens, my laptop, writing, memories, thick socks, the biting cold weather, my leaf collection, my moss necklace from one of my best and dearest friends, flowering plants, the piano, pumpkin pie, dry and moist skin, chocolate milk, the Hobbit movies and book, long and short car trips, singing, walking, sleeping, our cozy sofas, recipes, long nights, long mornings, long in-betweens, for babysitting, for all of my dear friends, and yes, even for my bright pink bedroom walls.

The point is, when it comes down to it, we have much to be thankful for. Count your blessings this season; remember how much God has given to you. And treasure the little things.

the giving tree

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There is pain that builds character and a pain which over time makes strong

yet the pain of a broken heart sadly lasts so dreadfully long

I fight a losing battle with myself against my hopes and dreams each day

and suffer the consequences with tears when I fail to seek God's way

Puritan Prayer
"Holy Lord, I have sinned times without number, and been guilty of pride and unbelief, of failure to find Your mind in Your Word, of neglect to seek You in my daily life. My transgressions and short-comings present me with a list of accusations, but I bless You that they will not stand against me, for all have been laid on Christ. Go on to subdue my corruptions, and grant me grace to live above them. Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings of the mind bring my spirit into subjection, but rule over me in liberty and power. I thank You that many of my prayers have been refused. I have asked amiss and do not have, I have prayed from lusts and been rejected, I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness. Go on with Your patient work, answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers, and fitting me to accept it. Purge me from every false desire, every base aspiration, everything contrary to Your rule. I thank You for Your wisdom and Your love, for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject, for sometimes putting me into the furnace to refine my gold and remove my dross. No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin. If You should give me choice to live in pleasure and keep my sins, or to have them burnt away with trial, give me sanctified affliction. Deliver me from every evil habit, every accretion of former sins, everything that dims the brightness of Your grace in me, everything that prevents me taking delight in You. Then I shall bless You, God of jeshurun, for helping me to be upright."

I wish to be like the giving tree, giving and giving with unconditional love, until there is nothing left of me. I want to earn treasure in heaven rather than fight for perishing treasures here on earth. I want to make others happy. I want God to be glorified. I want what I do not want because what I want is not right; therefore I want to stop wanting it so that what I want most is that of wanting what God wants more than what I want; but if what I want turns out to be what God wants, than I want nothing more.

Patience, time, and prayer.

the parlor of life

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I have been attempting to read more of late. And write. And spend time with people. And balance an impossible number of activities on my plate as I saunter through the parlor of life.

So many distractions. So many interesting things that tempt me to turn away from my course. I look back and can see the marks on the rugs where I had been dragging my feet against the Lord's will for my life.

    Up ahead, some windows are open, some yet still closed. Where is He taking me? What is the destiny that lies on the not-yet-tread path before me?

To make my life a little more balanced, I usually choose one or two activities that must be accomplished and pour my whole day into making certain they are deliberately and effectively taken care of.
    Oh, the many weddings I have seen these past two seasons -- folders and folders of photos to edit! Oh, the plans, the books to read, the people to see... My sweet sister phrased it as being such a blessing that we have so many beautiful things to compete for our time. A blessing indeed. That is a better way of looking at it than, 'I never have enough time to do everything!'

My older sister, Lilly, is off in California presently, visiting two of her dear friends who are there for college. She has been excitedly planning this trip for many weeks, and now it is thenceforth commenced! I have been praying for her often since I awoke this morning; ill as I have been with a cold, I could not accompany her with my mom and other sister to the airport to see her off, but I know she is in the Lord's hands. She has arrived there safely, and I am certain will have a full and precious time there, and return home also in safety.

    With all hope, my younger sister, Emily, will be able to win their homecoming volleyball game tomorrow evening. When determined, she and her friends make an excellent team. These girls have never played better than they have this season, so much have they improved since last year when they started out practically from scratch!

    I also hope to be able to enjoy some fellowship with some of my dear youth group after the game -- Ultimate Frisbee (although I will probably only watch and take pictures), some delicious food, and time in God's Word and prayer.

    And this Saturday, if all goes well and I am healthy enough, I will be visiting my dear friend, second-cousin, and pen-pal on campus at her college. Freshly graduated, Elaine is my friend from Illinois whom I only very rarely get to spend time with. We became best friends through writing letters faithfully since early 2007, and I have not seen her in months. I am very excited that she has come to Minnesota for college; visits will surely be more regular than before!

    Ah, life.
It does become crowded, and not everything occurs just the way you want it to, nor is everything that occurs something you would have wanted in the first place! In my case, however, I am learning to be thankful for everything. I am so thankful to be me; a writer and sister and daughter and granddaughter and friend, a cat-owner and household launderer, a tree-climber and tea-drinker and Once Upon A Time fan -- who is by the way quite excited for the season premier this Sunday! -- a two-year pianist (still awful at it), a bookworm, a reforming sugar addict (Truvia, my sweet-tooth friends, Truvia), and, best of all, a child of God.

    If there is one thing I have learned, the best remedy for feeling 'down' is listing off all of the gifts God has given me, and simply saying 'Thank You!'

The parlor of life does not seem quite as crowded now. It is easier to not drag my feet where God is leading me. The windows, open or closed, do not frighten or concern me as much as they have been.

    Remembering how God has cared for me all of my days so far helps me have faith that He will continue to uphold me and keep His promises for the future. And, as every Christian so joyfully hopes in,
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." 

-Romans 8:28

Know... all things... good... love... purpose...

That hope certainly makes the burden of each day far, far easier to bear!

hope and praise

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Hope. That's what I feel right now. Amazing. God has brought peace; He is directing my heart back unto the path of righteousness. Our Pastor spoke this morning about Revelation chapters Four and Five, and spoke a great deal on Christ and the Rapture and the Second Coming. It reminded me, 'In Christ alone' (my life motto.) Amidst all of my confused and selfish feelings and thoughts these past couple of week that Christ is my Savior, my First Love, my all-in-all. His love is my comfort. I am so grateful! If you remember my last post, I was struggling a great deal. I willn't say that the struggle has been entirely eradicated; however, I can see the Lord working, and I know that He is strengthening me for all of my little trials.

Beacon of Hope is the best and strongest church I have ever known. It is home. It is family. And I would not trade a moment at church for anything else in all of creation! My friends are godly, swords sharpening my sword with their love and friendship. I stayed up late last night with one of my best friends at her house - I was sleeping over there with my sister - and we discussed all kinds of interesting and beautiful things. As we were talking I realized how much I have been taking her friendship for granted. (This is the same friend with whom I was stargazing last week.) God is using her to edify and grow me, more than she may ever know. Thank the Lord for her and her sweet family!

Actually, I have been taking pretty much everything in my life for granted, now that I think about it. My parents, siblings, cat, bedroom (all to myself), new antique chair, plenty of food to eat every day, my very own Bible that I can read freely all hours of the day.... I wonder how I can ever feel miserable. And yet, Christ is enough without all of these extra things. O Lord, forgive me for my constant selfishness; help me to thank You always for all of the gifts You have given me, and to love You more than any of them!

Hope. Knowing that in the end Christ is all that matters has lifted up my soul out of its pained confusion. I am simply content to be His. Praise the Lord!

to go beyond

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Poetry. Architecture. Writing. Music. Life. People. Friends. Faith.

Those seen above are words continually being cycled and recycled through my train of thoughts. New ideas, possibilities, opportunities are all swirling together, confusing what I have always wanted with what I am beginning to understand I really have wanted underneath it all along.

To sacrifice my treasured ideas, to go beyond the lands I am familiar with, to climb up and over the walls that have held me in... it is a frightening stage of my life, challenging, befuddling, even painful. I have begun to wonder if I truly know myself.

Questions are being posed in my life for the first time, and I do not understand nor dare venture to blindly guess the answers.

The vagueness and metaphorical ramblings I am using are the only way I know to explain my feelings without declaring to the world subjects better left unspoken.

Here is one thing I can mention freely without such secretiveness: a friend of mine has been challenging me by his mere presence to examine my writing with more purpose and reflection, with more diligence and intelligence. I honestly feel outright stupid in his presence, and feel as though all of my writing is under his adept scrutiny. I fear his criticism because I am afraid to hear my writing is not good enough. I am afraid to have demands made of my skills to alter the treasured drafts of my novel into something I did not intend it to be. I know I am able to trust my friend's word; he is honest and encouraging, and most certainly very intelligent, indeed! What I fear is more specifically that after all of these years of writing, rewriting, growing, revising, and perfecting will be thrown away.
    Writing is like any other kind of artwork, always to be interpreted differently because each and every interpreter is different. And I honestly have been tired, under-slept, and altogether irritable this past week, which has made all aspects of life more challenging. I selfishly want to keep my writing to myself. I do not want fault to be found in it. I know fault exists. However, in my pride, I wish to find it first on my own before submitting it to criticism. Forgive me, my friend -- you know who you are -- I need a little more time to sort out my feelings and seek peace from the Lord before I allow you to read my novel.

Another part of this bowlful of spaghetti (which is the tangled mess of my life) consists of my prideful desire to not let myself be outdone by others. Juvenile but true. I am surrounded by artists, musicians, writers and all manner of skilled people by whom I feel challenged, or more accurately, threatened. I know I am not nor ever will be as talented as they are, and I am frustrating myself by trying to meet their level of skill. It is a fruitful process, however. I am beginning to understand who I am. And now, I am learning not to fight to be like others, as though that would be fulfilling, but to be myself; to pursue God's will for my life and use my talents for Him rather than to attempt to please others. And the Lord is helping me with my pride, piece by piece. For example...

Two nights ago, my sister and I had a dear friend over. We lingered outside whilst she was beginning to leave, and ended up lying out on the grass in our backyard, stargazing amidst the night fog and reading aloud Isaiah chapter forty. I have yet to dare admit it to her, but she is one of the brilliant friends of mine about whom I have been struggling with jealousy. She does not understand how talented she truly is, nor how humbled I feel whenever we spend time together.
    Anyway, I was being a coward that night. I looked up at the stars, so many and so distant that I could never dare to count them all. I felt so small, so pointless underneath their soft glow. I imagined them singing to the Lord, twinkling for His glory, and I forced myself to cease from my self-pity. Forgive me, Father. I prayed and I prayed with a heart full of sorrow. I hate my pride and selfishness, and I hate this haunting jealousy and the competitiveness that is destroying the joy in my life.
    As my dear friend began to leave -- she did not know I was struggling with these awful feelings, and was saying such sweet things about not deserving my and my sister's friendship, and we agreed -- well, she was in her car, just starting to drive away when she reached out her hand.
    I had to make a choice. In that little moment, hardly longer than a breath, I considered my many fears and especially what I feared most: I feared being always less skilled than she; I feared my selfishness; I feared losing this opportunity. These were my options: I could take her hand, pretending there was no struggle of jealousy in my heart. I could let her hand remain extended until the car rolled out of reach, leaving her thinking there was something barring me from extending my full friendship. There was yet still a third option, and this was the one I chose. I reached out and took hold of her hand, inwardly crying out 'forgive me'!
    This is the same friend who has said that she always reads my blog posts. She is busy today, and will continue to be so for a while, but I hope she finds the time to read this. I do ask your forgiveness, my dear, dear friend!
 
And of course, I hope we all are remembering the meaning of today's date. 9/11. It represents the dreadful, painful experience of the Twin Towers, serving as a reminder to not waste a moment of the precious time we have.


So, these are a few of the trials in my life at the moment. The presence of the aforementioned friends around me is being used to challenge me to do nothing; that is, to instead of attempting to be as good at everything as they are, to remain humble, which is in many ways a far greater challenge.
    Challenge accepted.

Lord, by Your grace, help me be content, to be patient, to go beyond...

                                                                                   In Christ alone,