good, hard change

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I was sitting in the car, parked in the middle of my home town, thinking about the changes that have happened in my life recently. They have been good changes, many things for which I am extremely thankful! I got a job that I love, yet for some reason as I watch the clock turn, my stomach also turns in nervousness. It's new, and I guess I'm still growing accustomed to it.

    From here, I can see the old lamps of the town that light up the night, lifeless in the sunshine of daytime, and have been there as long as I've lived here, probably longer than I've been alive! It's comforting to see those lamps, to know how long they've been there. 

There is comfort in things that don't change. I don't know why I should fret about change when it's something I'm asking for all the time! 'Please let me get married soon', please make me well again', 'Please, please, please.' I guess it's a lack of trust in God's sovereignty. No, that's exactly what it is. Every day I go to work, I have to remind myself that God is in control. Every day I need His strength because work is hard! I like it too, but that doesn't mean it's easy. As in most cases with discontentment, the answer is thankfulness, so I'll thank the Lord for today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next after that... because each day is an undeserved gift, and He deserves my thanksgiving! So, thank You, Lord!

Vanity and Treasure

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Summer, 2015

Just recently to my friend I was confessing a dearth of diligent prayer in my life. Oh, yes, I always pray, but at such random, brief moments in my life. It little glorifies God to receive so very little attention from me each day. This afternoon, I sat down with a bowl of delicious soup my mother had prepared for the family, and I began to pray my routine thanks for the blessing. As I did, many other prayers came to mind, and in thanking God for them all, I was overcome with humility in the sweetest way.

Oh, Lord, I don't deserve any of these gifts! Down to the last breath, everything I have belongs to You! I must better learn to hold onto the treasures of this life lightly, and not greedily drink up all of the vain comforts and pleasures my simple life has to offer. Reading Ecclesiastes, as I have been frequently of late, it's message has impressed upon me more deeply that everything in this life, whether joy or grief; whether labor or ease; whether light or shadow... Everything is completely vain, and as grasping the wind, if not in love for God, to serve and glorify Him. It has made me more aware of my debt to the Lord for all of the innumerable gifts He has bestowed on me, which every second make me more and more deeply in debt to His lovingkindness and mercy.

Humility produces thankfulness.
Thankfulness produces joy.

Oh, what a joyous thing to pray with all ones heart, to cry tears of thankfulness erupting from the realization that I have been blessed beyond my imagination, beyond anything I could ever deserve or repay. Oh, what unfathomable love of God, that He should still care for a selfish wretch like me! Oh, praise be to His name that His love cannot be lost or forfeited, because it depends not on our fickle hearts, but on His unchanging character.

If you have left your First Love, run back into His arms; He is waiting for you, patiently.

Patiently Alone

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Good morning, world! I can't even remember the last time I said hello or shared anything with you all! I've been off work this week because of sickness. In a way, I miss my job and am excited to get back to it, yet also, I get anxious, not really ready to let go of these peaceful days of breakfasting out-of-doors and being able to read the Word whenever I want! I'm never quite ready to return to the fast-paced lifestyle in the cities. It's so beautiful here in my front yard, under the shade of our old river birch. I've loved this break from the daily chaos and catch up on some valuable things.

And now, basking in the perfection of today, I wish my guy was here with me. My boyfriend, the man God brought me to who is strong in faith and gentle and kind and everything a man should be. We've been dating since March, and have been dearly pursuing each other since last August, and have known each other for several years! He's my best friend, and I miss him sorely right now. I've had the week off, but he has still been busy and working hard, and I haven't seen him yet at all. Maybe you've felt it, that longing to be with someone, so potent you feel short of breath and achy in your chest until you're by their side. I wish I was sitting accross from him here on the patio, eating toast with jelly and drinking tea or coffee and reading the Word together. I'll just have to wait. And that's the hard part, really; I don't want to wait. If I had my way, I'd be married by now, getting up before the sun to make my husband breakfast before work, doing dishes, laundry, and making a home feel like home. But that's just not the Lord's timing right now. I'm very thankful for the stage I'm in; I mean, how many years have I been crying out for the Lord to bring the right someone into my life? Dreadful waiting. This stage I'm in right now is a completely different kind of waiting; I know who my prince charming is! I prefer this kind of waiting a million times more. There's a rest that comes with knowing. But still, this guy is everything I could have asked for and more! I want to spend every second with him! Well, as they say, waiting always is longer than you would like, but shorter than you think. I'll be patient, Lord. You've never disappointed me! I'll be thankful for my quiet morning alone, and give it to You!