Spiritual Sobriety

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I've been looking at this book on Amazon as I saw it was recommended by a friend, but I'm distraught because its sounds unstable, like a building without nails.

From what I can see from the numerous reviews, quotes, and concise descriptions, the author, Elizabeth Esther, endured a childhood dominated by an unhealthy, unbalanced precedence on legalism and religion. But, from what I can see, unless I am mistaken, her story is nothing more than a self-help exercise that took her from over-zealous to the ability to "think for herself" - aka, ensnared by the ruse that basically, our faith depends on us and all get we do and believe, and not on God, who fashioned us from dust, who created the whole world, who sent His only Son Jesus Christ to for on the cross on our behalf. I could go on, but if I did, I would end up copying and pasting at least half the Bible.

Speaking of the Bible, the only Scripture I found from what I read was that which she idly mocked. If anyone has read her book and knows what it is actually about, would you please save me a $10.99 and help me to understand what she's really getting at in her book?

Thank you in advance!

wishing

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Summer, 2015

Sometimes wishing hurts, as when you're wishing for something that you know you just can't have. It's so easy to "dwell on dreams and forget to live", as Dumbledore so wisely conveys to Harry in the Sorcerer's Stone. (Yes, wisdom can be discerned from even secular movies, with the right worldview.)

I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be excited about, so much to do... And yet, I know there is one thing I want more than anything in this world, and waiting is... *sigh*... oh, it's so hard!

Yet as I often quote to myself, 'What is easy is worth little; what is fought for tirelessly is priceless.'

I will wait, because I know it will be worth it, and I will thank the Lord for what I have. He is good! So good....

{Post-marriage, Summer 2016}

I'm living in a dream! The very dream I've had since my childhood. The very fantasy of having a husband, a home of my own, a wedding ring around my finger, of having a husband who loves the Lord... This dream came true this April 30th. I've been a Mrs. 3 months, and already it has been a joyful and fulfilling experience.

Brandyn is the most patient man, the most gentle, the most humble, and has strength and a work ethic to match. I can't believe God has blessed me - ME! - with such a man!

In addition to all of the pleasures, I have experienced the temptations in marriage; for example, the impulse to be sarcastic, short, selfish, and overall sinful. I cannot name even once when Brandyn has failed me, but I fail him every day. It is supremely humbling, convicting, and sanctifying to have him daily by my side. And I love him! My affection has in no way dwindled, and neither my devotion. Though I fail him daily, "a righteous man falls seven times and rises again", and so I press on and seek by the Lord's strength to do better.

I am blessed by the opportunity to help him by doing the laundry, cooking, and dishes, and I love waking up at 5am to make him breakfast before work. It's a healthy toil to deny myself a little extra sleep and bless him.

He helps me too! He keeps me on track, pays the bills, answers most of the emails, and makes the decisions in the way only a godly man who loves the Lord can. And I couldn't do any of this without him.

One of the brightest highlights of my day is seeing his face after work, and jumping into his arms for a big hug and kiss.

Best of all, by far, is being able to read the Bible and pray consistently with him every day! I read to him in the early morning hour, and he reads to me before we go to sleep.

I don't deserve this, but I thank the Lord that He gave it to me anyway. This really is a dream come true; no more wishing for me!

"Nutshelling"

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April 6th, 2016

Proposal, wedding planning, work, sleep...

This sums up most of my life from the past few months. Cam you believe it? I'm getting married! I found him, the man of my dreams, and after waiting and praying for over a year, he proposed. To ME!

My life has been a bittersweet blend of happy, eventful, and also sad. In the midst of the wedding planning, I watched my grandmother learn that she had cancer, go through a session of chemo, say farewell to the people who love her dearly, and finally "slip the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God."

I didn't want to accept it at first. Grandma was one of my best friends, and I feel ashamed to remember all that she sacrificed for me when returned so little of her kindness. I'm going to miss her very much.
    Planning a wedding while I watched her slowly die seemed so wrong. At the end, I took time off work and stayed with my family so that I could be there for them all. I will never regret that. I also was privileged to speak at my grandma's funeral this past weekend. I wish she could have been at my wedding. I know she's full of joy in heaven with the Lord right now, and that makes it easier to let her go.

Now, with my wedding just over the weeks away, I'm a busy girl. Is it a sin to forego house cleaning when your life is practically a disaster? I work, I go home, I accomplish more wedding planning, and I go to bed. My dear Brandyn has been a huge help planning our wedding. Right away when we started, I told him it was OUR wedding, not just mine, and so I wanted to make sure that everything we planned passed his approval first, from the invitation, to the flowers, to the color scheme. I couldn't have done all of this without him - which is good, because we'll be working together for, Lord willing, many years to come!

Brandyn is a gem. He's the sunshine in my cloudy life. I love him so much! I'm thankful the wait to marry him is nearly at an end!

Now you know why I haven't had much time to write. We fiances have to keep busy! Since you've been caught up, I hope to write often from now on. Thank you for reading; it's good to know that someone out there cares to read about my humdrum life. =)

garden of roses

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Since I was little, I have had three dreams for my life, three desires the Lord planted in my heart from an early age: The first is to one day become a wife and mother; the second, to become an author, for I'm sure you know how I love to write! And thirdly, but certainly not least of all in importance, to live for Christ and strive to give Him the glory with all I have and am.

In the last steps of spring last year just before summer had begun, my soul was in despair over the fear that I might never see my first dream come to pass. I foolishly kept searching and searching for 'him' without fully trusting the Lord to bring him to me, and after having my heart broken to a state I never thought I would recover from, I lost all hope that such a man even existed. No one could really fit the long list of traits I was looking for, surely; no one could ever truly like me for me! I can count on one hand how many men who have ever looked twice at me. I was despairing, and so exhausted of rejection that I decided I would never let another man enter my heart. And yet, I knew if I did this, if I held back, if I put a wall up all around me, I would never truly heal. I had a wound cut deeply into my heart, and the disappointment I felt was like poison in my injury; I was festering in a state of complete doubt of God's sovereignty.

    One day when I told Him bluntly in my prayers during church my despondent thoughts, 'I have stopped believing any such man exists' - and oh, what hopeless tears drenched my eyes with this wretched 'prayer'! - then, praise the Lord, not four hours later at an event after the church service, He showed me someone... one man I had known for a few years, but never really considered. Why would he be interested in me? He is so above me in character and sweetness! Instinct made me cautious from the very second my heart began to hope again; the fear of disappointment still stung bitterly, and I would not let my heart be broken again!

    I had a pleasant conversation with this friend, and soon - much sooner than I expected - my sister came and took hold of my arm to bring me away so that we could head home. I did not want to leave him - it felt good to hope again! - but I tore myself away with my sister's help, and walked from the building to the sidewalk on the way to the car, wondering about what God was doing. I saw a small leaf there on the concrete, shaped like a heart, about the size of the print of my thumb, and I picked it up. I turned it over in my hand and prayed in thanks to the Lord:

"I don't know if this will ever turn out to be anything, if this is really Your will at all, but thank You for teaching me to hope again, Father! Help me to trust in You!"

One month later, this young man began talking to me more often, in my eyes very deliberately seeking to do so, but I kept my heart in check and did not allow any flutterings over what might not be anything more than simple, impartial kindness. Still another month, and we took a walk around the evening church parking lot, talking about photography (as we often did), clouds, sunsets, trees, his family's farm, and whatever else came to mind. We were about to step onto a park path to continue our walk, when I realized it was the time when my family had planned to leave. We started back in that direction, crossing the road back to the sidewalk behind the church building. Before our feet hit the edge of the road, he began to say what caused butterflies to swarm in my chest and made my heart beat out of time: he explained that he had been thinking and praying about it for a long time, and wanted to get to know me better. A pursuing friendship with an eye for marriage, but with more caution than 'dating'. Going out for coffee or dinner and casually spending time together so that we can learn more about each other and see if it may be God's will for us to be together. We talked about limits in touch - no kissing, no hugging, no holding hands - and found that in everything we talked about, we were completely like-minded. He wanted to make his intentions clear to me, that he was interested in me. I told him I would like to think and pray about it, and talk to my family first, and he told me to take my time, that there was no pressure, and he was completely patient.

    My family was not yet ready to leave after all, so we kept walking and talking, both of us, I think, very excited and happy!

That was over a year ago! I can barely remember the old days of despair and disappointment.... For the first time in my life, I have let the Lord lead me in regards to finding the right man, and I believe I have at last! My dear friend meets up with everything on my list; we seem sweetly alike in personalities, and still agree on every subject we have talked on, excepting tomatoes, onions, mustard, and other silly foods that change nothing.

    Brandyn. His name is Brandyn. He has become my very best friend - I found I am closer and more alike in every way to no one else I have ever met! He amazes me... he is the most humble, thankful, joyful man I know! For once in my life, I am not trying to force someone in whom I am interested into the mold I've been searching for all my life, not making petty arguments with myself to say 'No, really, this guy is different!' For once, I am leaning on the Lord, and He is continuing to bless this relationship, and make me all the more certain with every day that I have found the man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.

Brandyn... I didn't believe that you really existed, and yet there you were all that time, right under my nose! I couldn't see our Lord's plan; I had no knowledge of how He would cause our friendship to become something so precious, something I would not trade for the whole universe! I am so glad the Lord broke me, and showed me His way. Wow! It's you!! I will wait for you, sweetie, because I know it will be so worth it!

good, hard change

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I was sitting in the car, parked in the middle of my home town, thinking about the changes that have happened in my life recently. They have been good changes, many things for which I am extremely thankful! I got a job that I love, yet for some reason as I watch the clock turn, my stomach also turns in nervousness. It's new, and I guess I'm still growing accustomed to it.

    From here, I can see the old lamps of the town that light up the night, lifeless in the sunshine of daytime, and have been there as long as I've lived here, probably longer than I've been alive! It's comforting to see those lamps, to know how long they've been there. 

There is comfort in things that don't change. I don't know why I should fret about change when it's something I'm asking for all the time! 'Please let me get married soon', please make me well again', 'Please, please, please.' I guess it's a lack of trust in God's sovereignty. No, that's exactly what it is. Every day I go to work, I have to remind myself that God is in control. Every day I need His strength because work is hard! I like it too, but that doesn't mean it's easy. As in most cases with discontentment, the answer is thankfulness, so I'll thank the Lord for today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next after that... because each day is an undeserved gift, and He deserves my thanksgiving! So, thank You, Lord!

Vanity and Treasure

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Summer, 2015

Just recently to my friend I was confessing a dearth of diligent prayer in my life. Oh, yes, I always pray, but at such random, brief moments in my life. It little glorifies God to receive so very little attention from me each day. This afternoon, I sat down with a bowl of delicious soup my mother had prepared for the family, and I began to pray my routine thanks for the blessing. As I did, many other prayers came to mind, and in thanking God for them all, I was overcome with humility in the sweetest way.

Oh, Lord, I don't deserve any of these gifts! Down to the last breath, everything I have belongs to You! I must better learn to hold onto the treasures of this life lightly, and not greedily drink up all of the vain comforts and pleasures my simple life has to offer. Reading Ecclesiastes, as I have been frequently of late, it's message has impressed upon me more deeply that everything in this life, whether joy or grief; whether labor or ease; whether light or shadow... Everything is completely vain, and as grasping the wind, if not in love for God, to serve and glorify Him. It has made me more aware of my debt to the Lord for all of the innumerable gifts He has bestowed on me, which every second make me more and more deeply in debt to His lovingkindness and mercy.

Humility produces thankfulness.
Thankfulness produces joy.

Oh, what a joyous thing to pray with all ones heart, to cry tears of thankfulness erupting from the realization that I have been blessed beyond my imagination, beyond anything I could ever deserve or repay. Oh, what unfathomable love of God, that He should still care for a selfish wretch like me! Oh, praise be to His name that His love cannot be lost or forfeited, because it depends not on our fickle hearts, but on His unchanging character.

If you have left your First Love, run back into His arms; He is waiting for you, patiently.

Patiently Alone

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Good morning, world! I can't even remember the last time I said hello or shared anything with you all! I've been off work this week because of sickness. In a way, I miss my job and am excited to get back to it, yet also, I get anxious, not really ready to let go of these peaceful days of breakfasting out-of-doors and being able to read the Word whenever I want! I'm never quite ready to return to the fast-paced lifestyle in the cities. It's so beautiful here in my front yard, under the shade of our old river birch. I've loved this break from the daily chaos and catch up on some valuable things.

And now, basking in the perfection of today, I wish my guy was here with me. My boyfriend, the man God brought me to who is strong in faith and gentle and kind and everything a man should be. We've been dating since March, and have been dearly pursuing each other since last August, and have known each other for several years! He's my best friend, and I miss him sorely right now. I've had the week off, but he has still been busy and working hard, and I haven't seen him yet at all. Maybe you've felt it, that longing to be with someone, so potent you feel short of breath and achy in your chest until you're by their side. I wish I was sitting accross from him here on the patio, eating toast with jelly and drinking tea or coffee and reading the Word together. I'll just have to wait. And that's the hard part, really; I don't want to wait. If I had my way, I'd be married by now, getting up before the sun to make my husband breakfast before work, doing dishes, laundry, and making a home feel like home. But that's just not the Lord's timing right now. I'm very thankful for the stage I'm in; I mean, how many years have I been crying out for the Lord to bring the right someone into my life? Dreadful waiting. This stage I'm in right now is a completely different kind of waiting; I know who my prince charming is! I prefer this kind of waiting a million times more. There's a rest that comes with knowing. But still, this guy is everything I could have asked for and more! I want to spend every second with him! Well, as they say, waiting always is longer than you would like, but shorter than you think. I'll be patient, Lord. You've never disappointed me! I'll be thankful for my quiet morning alone, and give it to You!

Little Burdens

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There are days when when you find you have been running too long without sufficient rest, and all of a sudden, you want to run away by yourself to a secret corner somewhere and just cry from exhaustion. Sometimes even when life is going really well, and there are beautiful things surrounding you on all sides, even then, it can be wearying. Small burdens surface that you didn't even notice were troubling you. Missing someone, fearing for the Salvation of people who are dear to you, working where your job is to sacrifice all your energy to smile and serve and please everybody, friends who are moving away until only God knows how long... Little burdens. The temptation is to look away from our Omnipotent (all-powerful) Creator - who graciously carries us through every trial and will one day dry all pur tears - and think instead only of ourselves and our troubles. Foolish thinking. So today, lonely and burdened as I was, I was tempted to hide, as I always do when I feel this way. But I couldn't. I had responsibilities. So I sat and poured all my effort into singing the Lord's worship. I did not really 'feel' like I was worshipping. But I pray it gave Him some glory. Then came the sermon. Powerful. Personal. Selfless. God-honoring. I needed that today; I needed my eyes to be drawn away from myself again and look unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith. Why have I need to fret? All things are in His hands. So the burdens are not so heavy as they were earlier. Finally I remember my Lord and Savior's patient work in the past in my life, guiding me up an unpleasant mountain of adversity, and then down to a green valley of peaceful bliss. He is faithful. So no matter how lonely I may feel, He is with me. No matter how lost my dear friends are, He is mighty to save. No matter how tiring and seemingly chaotic my job becomes, He is my power and peace. No matter how long and far my friends move away, I have a constant Friend in heaven who revives me daily in His awesome love. Futile despair... It does not do any good to worry, it only rips the joy out of our lives, the joy of trust in our Heavenly Savior.

So do not despair when you encounter various trials, my friends. Look unto Jesus, and He will bless your faith and carry you through your trials, one by one.

Tessa

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Alone. Awake. Everything else is over for the night, and I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep... not yet....

My favorite song (Tessa) comes on Spotify, and as it plays, I'm overwhelmed with everything the Lord has done in my life this year. Everything has changed in so short a time (including myself), and that only by the Lord's infinite grace! Before, in the midst of confusion, pain, and longing, I could not see past my own nose, while He can see well past the horizon.

Why would He ever be so good to me? I don't deserve this life, I don't deserve to be a part of the lives of the people I care about, I don't deserve the breaths I am breathing, and I don't deserve to be listening to this magical song filling my eyes with tears of thankfulness... this song reminds me of my best friend.

The wait is nearly over. Days, months, years? What is time in the grand spectrum of things, compared with eternity? My God is sovereign. Lord, I will wait. It will be so worth the wait!

 
Right now, in the quiet of my room, I am praying to my ever-near Lord and rejoicing in the works of His hands!

'All this and Christ too'... glorious gift!

the little things...and the big ones

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Three weeks ago, my older sister was married. It was not really so strange; we had been planning the wedding for months, and my future brother-in-law had already long-since been wholly accepted into our family... all of the pieces fell into place. It was just a bit strange, a bit surreal because while growing up, since I was very little, I tried to imagine what this would be like, watching as my siblings grew up and married and started their own lives and families, but now it is actually happening. In the back of my head, I could never really picture separating from my sisters. We've always been a threesome; we grew up doing everything together. It is strange to see old photos and realize they are 'old'. It's strange to look in a mirror and see a woman, instead of my tiny little face barely able to peer over the counter-top. Life itself is a little strange. It really is not so different from the way it was in the beginning; marriage, children, growing up, marriage, children, growing up... it is a cycle billions of people before me have taken part in, but now it has come to my turn, and I am marveling. It is a peculiar blessing because although I have always dreamed of this stage of life, I could not truly imagine the intermingled joy and moments of stress and sadness I 'knew' would come... such as crying as I gave my speech after the ceremony while people were eating their cake. I knew all this would happen, but now that it is here, it feels strange.

There is no other way I can think to describe it; no words adequate enough to explain the sensation that what is finally real feels so surreal; so dreamlike. I suppose it is one of those things you cannot imagine without feeling it for yourself. My descriptions are lacking.

My sister's bed is empty; the cup for our toothbrushes is one toothbrush short; the closets are devoid of probably a couple dozen pairs of shoes... Life definitely changes, but somehow - possibly the strangest part of all - is that even though there has been much 'lost', there is so much excitement for the new things to come! That is the thought I will hold on to... new things to come. 'Treasure the little things.' 'God is as sovereign today as He was yesterday.' 'In Christ alone.'

I have a new big brother! My big sister is happily married and homemaking, and both she and her husband are being blessed by the Lord! It has already been three weeks since their wedding! Wow... Praise the Lord!

june's tears dried

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I have been looking back at this old draft of a blog post (below) which I began on June 1st this year.
    I was kind of surprised by it, because presently, my thoughts are so joyful and thankful that I can scarcely imagine having ever been in such a wicked, selfish, despondent state of mind! I have to admit that a little over five months ago, I really was nearly hopeless. I was still experiencing the effects of the most difficult trial I have ever endured, and was at possibly the weakest point in my faith in my entire life. Well, read it for yourself and see what I mean:

Hopes shattered. Dreams lost. Heart broken. It just sounds like a recipe for despair.

I have had innumerable voices in my head, tempting me to replay my miserable experiences over and over again, and other voices shouting over the former din that hope is just around the corner and I just need to stop being miserable for myself.
    Both kinds of voices are exceedingly annoying.
    I have never needed this much time to process a trial and where to go next as right now. I have never felt lonelier, and I have never been more tempted to hold on to bitterness and anger and pain. My eyes are sore from crying, from pouring my heart out to God. In my loneliness, I long for a friend who will listen to my outpouring of confusion, but I fear that all I will receive is advice and encouragement about the future. An aching heart in this condition does not want assurance about the future, which is unsure - a person with a broken foot would never believe that walking on the fractured bones will promote healing - what the heart longs for is peace, rest. Fear about the future may be tied in somewhere, but that is not the issue; it is letting go of the past.
    Praying and praying, I have been begging God to direct my thoughts out of selfishness and into His control. Today, I stopped making excuses and picked up "Passion &; Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot, which offered me exactly what I needed to hear:

The important thing is to receive this moment's experience with both hands. Don't waste it. "Wherever you are, be all there," Jim once wrote. "Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
    A lovely moonlit night, but I am alone. Shall I resent the very moonlight itself because my lover is somewhere else?
    A cozy candlelit supper with friends - couples, except for me. Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single? Have I been "cheated"? Who cheated me?
    The phone rings. Oh! Maybe it will be he! It's somebody selling light bulbs. Shall I be rude because he ought to have been somebody else?
    A letter in the mailbox that (for once) doesn't look like junk mail or a bill. I snatch it eagerly. It's from Aunt Susie. Do I throw it aside in disgust?
    I know all about this kind of response. I've been there many times. Something I wrote to Jim once must have revealed my resentment, for he wrote, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." That was exactly what I had let it do.
    There were times, I'm sure, when if anyone had tried to talk to me of the happiness of heaven I would have turned away in a huff. The painful thing was that other folks had not only heaven to look forward to, but they had "all this and heaven, too," "this" being engagement or marriage. I was covetous. When the Apostle Paul wrote to the Roman Christians about the happy certainty of heaven, he went on to say, "This doesn't mean, of course, that we have only a hope of future joys - we can be full of joy here and now even in our trials and troubles."
    Even when I'm feeling most alone - on that moonlit night, in the middle of the candlelit supper, when the phone call and the letter don't come - can I be "full of joy, here and now"? Yes, that is what the Bible says. That means it must be not only true, but possible, and possible for me.
    "Taken in the right spirit these very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature character, and a character of this sort produces a steady hope, a hope that will never disappoint us."
    Taken in the right spirit. These are the operative words. The empty chair, the empty mailbox, the wrong voice on the phone have no particular magic in themselves that will make a mature character out of a lonely man or woman. They will never produce a steady hope. Not at all. The effect of my troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves, but on how I receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something very different from a mature character, something nobody is going to like.
    Look at the choices:

    rebellion - if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
    rejection - if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.
    faith - God knows exactly what He's doing.
    acceptance - He loves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it.

    The words "full of joy here and now" depend on the words "taken in the right spirit." You can't have one without the other. Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope.

{End quote}

So, the issue I have been dealing with is actually not having anyone at all. Elizabeth was lonely for Jim Elliot, the man she hoped but did not yet know that she was going to marry. I am lonely for my friends who have been gone eleven days on a long road trip, but I am even lonelier for a man; the man God has set aside for me, which this morning at church, I admitted in prayer that I had stopped believing even exists out there somewhere for me. Anyway, regardless of this difference in circumstance, the truth rings out just as clearly for me.
    I am so grateful for women who have been encouraging me, who have known the heartbreak I have been going through and are seeking to support me according to God's Word. I have been so tempted to seclude myself, but I know that is unwise.

{back to the present}

Wow. All this over a boy!

I'm certain that if I could have seen where the Lord was going to lead me just a couple of months after I wrote those sorrowful words, lifting my head in hope would have come far faster. But He had a lesson to teach me, and it could not have been learned any other way except through suffering.

Even just seven days after I wrote those sorrowful, struggling words, God taught me how to hope again. He showed me my foolish depression, and reminded me of His good plan and all the ways in which He had already proven Himself in the past. He corrected my doubtful thinking - I dishonored Him by disbelieving - and gave me a reason to begin hoping again.

I can barely remember those painful days, so much so that they feel more like one long, awful dream that I have been awake from for some time. Now, a bruise on my arm is just a reminder that when I pinch myself, I am wide awake, and the beauty of each day is real.

I thank God that I am not the person I was then in those old days of despair; that even in so short a time, He has grown and strengthened me. The pruning was indeed exceedingly painful, but I am beginning to see the fruit. Rooted and dependent upon Christ, He is giving me the desires of my heart, above and beyond what I could have ever dared ask for!

June's tears have long since been dried, and I find myself smiling at the future! What next, Lord? I will take whatever brings You the most glory! Help me to be faithful.

on enemy soil... to arms!

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Sometimes, so many good things fall into place in your life, and suddenly, worshiping the Lord becomes easy, joy-giving, everything you could ever hope for as a Christian! And then just as suddenly, you stumble.

    You think, "How did that happen? I thought being in the Lord made me invincible!" Obviously, you had slipped into complacency; begun relying again on your own strength.

    We are on enemy soil. We must beware of taking off our armour in the middle of the war. Is sounds nonsensical - of course you would never leave yourself so open and defenseless for any attack! But we do. When life grows easy, messing with the buckles on our breastplates does not seem quite as necessary.

    Yes, we must beware of becoming too comfortable when life is all sunshine, for a downpour of heavy rain may soon come and make our feet slide off the path of righteousness. We must not be caught unawares!

    When you don your armour daily, remember your Captain and your Shield, your strong Rock and Anchor among tempests. Do not stray from His side, and the devil's darts and floods and other schemes will not reach you.

undeserved riches... the excess and the true

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Those who are rich oft make to boast in their riches, as though God has shown them some kind of special favor, or (possibly even worse) that they have singly become rich all on their own wisdom and strength.

    Both are prideful.

    There are times when the Lord God has indeed favorably blessed the righteous, His people, but the confusion comes when people assume that by any power of their own to please God, He has blessed them.

    Riches, if anything, only make us more indebted to the Lord! We pity those who have little in this life, but if the soul has Christ, that is all the riches they ever need!

    The Lord has blessed me so much; in months long past, He saw fit to give me a cup of sorrow and pain in order to make me more completely depend on Him, and now, I am looking back at the past month, and I see plainly that He has blessed my trust in His sovereignty with peace and pleasantness.

    Riches are not always jewels, expensive furniture, or pricy clothing; it can be people, experiences, memories... I have these things. I have more than I need - that is expressing it lightly! - and I am more in debt to God than any other creature! I shall never be able to repay Him for all of these glorious gifts, yet He gives them to me anyway!

    Lord, keep me humble. Remind me always that I am undeserving; that I owe You my all! All I can really do when You grant me such lovely things is fall on my knees and thank You! I asked for a roof and You gave me a palace; I asked for some bread and water and You gave me a feast; I asked for a rose and You gave me a garden. Always, You give and give and give! And Your stores of treasures are no more depleted with each gift. It humbles me to receive Your generous graces, and points me to Your power and lovingkindness. May I never idolize these precious treasures and forget the Giver of them, but in humility, bring all the praise before You, that the world may see, and fear and rejoice in You, the Almighty God!

    To God be the glory; He is faithful and full of lovingkindness - He is the true riches!

Frank

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This morning, I made myself oatmeal for breakfast, and a cup of creamy, sweetened tea. I brought my tea and Bible outside and read, enjoying the songbirds and morning sounds - ignoring the whirring highway cars - and basking in the natural beauty around me. So still was I, sitting there with the Book, that a little brown mouse scurried under some fallen tree branches next to me. At first, I was not sure what I had seen, until he peeked out and looked directly up at me! He wriggled away, and then came back some minutes later, before running off to hide under our unused pile of bricks. Mice are the softest, most darling little rodents. I found one once and named him Theodore. I think I will name this little brown mouse Frank. Does not that sound sophisticated? I can almost picture him in a little suit and bow tie, with a top hat, and a scrumptious plate of Swiss cheese. 
    These are simple pleasures. I love them!

freedom

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    I have learned the hard way the cost of an idol - more than once. But it has never hurt this much before. God be praised for being more powerful than my pain! Christ has so faithfully forgiven me for an incomparable, inconceivable number of iniquities which I have committed against Him. Through His grace and salvation, idols no longer have power over me; may I never succumb to their lies ever again.

withered rose

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When drifts of snow are dried away by gusts of wind and rain
Tree buds are blooming
The clouds are moving
And clear away all the pain

Though life is crowded by confusion that retreats, returns and grows
God's guiding my heart
Through this troubling part
Making a garden of this withered rose

thank You for the little things

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Thank You, Lord, for tea biscuits, for long walks at dusk,
    for bronze mailbox numbers that reflect light like lava.

Thank You for books upon books - more than one can read in a lifetime!

Thank You for friends, who love me even when I feel most alone;
    for family that wraps me up in 'snuggly' hugs
    and tell me that they love me.

Thank You for cameras, for Drama Class, for fifteen choices of tea.

Thank You for alarm clocks - even when I want least to wake up.

Thank You for table lamps, cookbooks, video games, and pillows.

Thank You for fingers for typing and playing piano; for prayer, for stories,
    for funny TV shows, for John MacArthur sermons,
    for a building for my church to worship in.

Thank You for voices with which to sing praises to You!

Thank You for watch faces that spin an tick a happy tune in my ear,
    for cat food dishes, for autumn orange hand-knit blankets,
    for green jeans, for stuffed toy bunnies.

Thank You for wilted roses, for shiny silver earrings, for recycled paper notebooks,
    for bottles full of moss, for unscented lotion,
    for Swedish dolls that stack inside of each other.

Thank You for dried flowers, for eyeglasses, for chopsticks, for 'present' rings.

Thank You for tales by the Brothers Grimm, for emery boards, for postage stamps.

Thank You for sandwiches, for ribbons, for electrical cords, for backpacks.

Thank You for the little things, 
    the forgotten things, 
    the things we take for granted.

patience, time and prayer

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Around Thanksgiving I wrote a blog post about one of my 'proverbs', a saying I repeat to myself as a timely word of wisdom: 'treasure the little things'. One of the others which I like to repeat quite often is 'patience, time and prayer'. Usually, there is no better remedy for a difficult situation than obeying the implications of this little proverb; to wait for the Lord to act and in the meantime to pray without ceasing, to not lose faith in Him but trust that He knows best and will accomplish not necessarily what is for our comfort, happiness, or anything at all that we want... but that which is for our good, and His glory.

Of course, there are times when we are in situations when we have to act ourselves. I am not a great fan of the popular phrase 'Let go and let God' because it implies complacency, a fatalistic attitude - as though God will do whatever He wants anyway so it doesn't matter what I do, or the fluffy theology that we can simply float on throughout life and everything will turn out just fine.

God's Word specifically calls believers to action on more occasions than one, possibly the greatest being to 'love one another' - to be selfless, to put others' needs above Your own, which is Christlike behavior, and might I add, much easier said than done! So, the complacent 'castle in the cloud' theology is out. And so is that attitude of fatalism. What we do most definitely does make a difference. Every person who ever lived is going to have to give an account to God for whatever righteousness or evil was committed by them during that time - no exceptions. So don't waste the time you have. Don't fall into the temptation of believing it doesn't matter, because after we die, the rest of eternity begins, and by then, there is no going back, no remedying what has been done. The time for mercy will be over. And this is important: Doing what is wrong is just as bad as not doing what you know is right.

"Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin."
James 4:17

And now, back to my point.

I have found the phrase, 'patience, time and prayer' to be immensely comforting over the past several years of my life. I have held it close, repeated it often, recited it to friends countless times. When I feel least in control, it helps me remember that God is. He is the Author of time, the Answerer of my prayers, the Master of long-suffering; I have much to learn, but He is a wonderful Teacher.

Be patient while waiting or while suffering (James 1:2-4; Colossians 1:9-12).

Take the time to read God's Word, have your mind renewed by its God-breathed power and truth (Romans 12:2; James 1:22), and remember that He is in control and works all things together for good to those who love Him and believe in His Son, Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord (Romans 8:28; Romans 10:9).

And finally, pray like the dickens! (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

weather or not

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I am not much of one for beating around the bush, so here I go...

Whether or not others agree, I have - all winter and spring long - been finding the occasional snow to be quite a treat; whether or not some or all others complain that April is no time for snow and we 'deserve' better weather, I firmly say, "It is God's prerogative to send us whatever weather He so desires. Whatever He deems best is best, and I am not clay to argue with the Potter who formed me."

Last Saturday night, my mother read aloud a most excellent excerpt from Jerry Bridges' book, Trusting God. I am so glad that she felt led to share it with me and my sisters, and I feel led right now to pass along the blessed words to you. Hang on to your hat, unless you find yourself guilty.

"Complaining about the weather seems to be a favorite American pastime. Sadly, we Christians often get caught up in this ungodly habit of our society. But when we complain about the weather, we are actually complaining against God who sent us our weather. We are, in fact, sinning against God (see Numbers 11:1).
    Not only do we sin against God when we complain about the weather, we also deprive ourselves of the peace that comes from recognizing our heavenly Father is in control of it. [...] Whether the weather merely disrupts my plans or destroys my home, I need to learn to see God's sovereign and loving hand controlling it.
    The fact is, for most of us, the weather and the effects of nature are usually favorable. The tornado, the drought, even the snowstorm that delays our flight are the exception not the rule. We tend to remember the "bad" weather and take for granted the good. However, when Jesus spoke about the weather, He spoke about the goodness of God: "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous" (Matthew 5:45).
    Though God sometimes uses the weather and other expressions of nature as instruments of judgment (see Amos 4:7-9), He most often uses weather as an expression of His gracious provision for His creation. Both saint and sinner alike benefit from God's gracious provision of weather. And, according to Jesus, this provision is not merely the result of certain fixed, inexorable physical laws. God controls those laws. He causes His sun to rise, He sends the rain.
    God has indeed established certain physical laws for the operation of His universe; yet moment by moment those laws operate according to His direct will. Again Alexander Carson put it so well when he said, "The sun and the rain minister to the nourishment and comfort equally of the righteous and the wicked, not from the necessity of general laws, but from the immediate providence of Him who, in the government of the world, wills this result."
    We as Christians need to stop complaining about the weather and instead learn to give thanks for it. God, our heavenly Father, sends us each day what He deems best for all of His creation."

Very good stuff. In fact, I would have written all about this in my own words, but I really could not have said it better myself.

So, whether or not creation is yielding weather to your liking, please choose to be thankful and even praise God for the "bad" weather. He knows best.

wild rumpus

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Surprises. I have had a lot of them lately.

I have a complex view of surprises; if I know generally what to prepare for, what to expect, I will probably like it a lot; if it seems like everyone knows what it is except for me, I will be virtually tortured until the surprise is at length revealed; if I know something is up, but when I ask about it no one will tell me anything except 'You'll like it', I will be all but driven mad. But perhaps the most surprising thing of all is that I really have enjoyed every one of the most recent surprises immensely. I guess it is just 'getting there' that is hard for me.

About three or so weeks ago, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party (my little sister had a huge hand in it; I think it was even her idea in the first place). I am the sort that when I see something fishy going on - people quieting or shifting feet when I come near, sharing whispers and occasionally glancing my way, or the like - I fine-tune my ears, sharpen my vision, and become the most aware and suspicious sleuth I know.

    Having discovered the hard way from a previous mystery party that my attitude only increased my irritation as no one would tell me anything - that, of course, is what surprises are supposed to be - I, this time, was purposefully ignoring the symptoms of secret-keeping. And besides this, my friends (who had quickly learned my tendency to grow snoopy) were being extra careful to keep me in the dark.

    After returning home from some fun hours of lunch and shopping with one of my best friends, my little sister drew me into our library - my dad is amazing, and we actually have a room devoted entirely to books, and our grand piano (and well, the TV, too) - by playing one of my favorite video games, Spyro: A Hero's Tail. (I cannot resist it, and boy, does she ever know my weakness!)

    About to chastise her for gaming without me, I stopped short when I saw the elaborate streamers, and then looked to the side to see almost our entire church youth group huddled against the wall, smiling like excited imps - they looked somewhere between plain happy and mischievous - and it took me all of a split second to realize what was going on. Then they jumped up and yelled 'surprise', at which I teared up; this, partly because I was impressed at how well they had kept everything a secret without annoying me, and partly because I felt so honored, privileged, and special that they had put in the time and energy to make a surprise party just for little old me on my twentieth birthday.

    And you know what? It ended up being one of the best surprises I had ever had!

When my grandparents took me to the Ordway to see the Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra last Friday, I knew exactly where I was going, exactly who with and what for; I was informed that the venue would be fancy - you understand I had never been there before - and that I would most certainly enjoy it a great deal. What surprised me was that it was well beyond what I expected: Infinitely lovelier, far more spacious and grand, and the music above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I learned that Mendelssohn's piece 'The Hebrides Overture (Fingal's Cave)' is possibly my favorite piece of music ever - other, of course, from my favorite song, In Christ Alone, and my favorite hymn, Come Thou Fount.

    It was the best kind of surprise - better than I could have hoped or dreamed.

And this morning, one of my very best friends in all the world took me on a trip she admitted she had been planning for about a month. She had given me a card the previous Sunday at church telling me she was taking me on an adventure, and suggested some things for me to bring: Bible, notebook, camera, and (of course) adventure boots!

    She picked me up this morning and brought me to Minneapolis to a little bookstore for 'young people' (about ages 3 to at least 20). ;) It was called 'Wild Rumpus' - just like from Where the Wild Things Are. (And just for the record, I love that book!)

    We spent a few hours in that store, looking at new books, treasuring old ones we had read before, ogling various artwork, and petting the chickens. Yes, they had chickens in the store - petite little things, one black and one grey - roaming free for anyone to enjoy. Several children were chasing after the hens intermittently, and finally my friend gently caught one and cuddled with it for a few minutes. The hen did not seem to wish to leave her hand! There were also caged Chinchillas, many pretty birds, and even a small tarantula named Thomas Jefferson.

    I wish I could describe the ceiling for you, yet I am afraid I will not do it justice. The creativity raised my eyebrows and drew in my camera for a click or two. It had two layers, one of water and a lower one of ice, which appeared to be being cracked by a canoe. The sight daunted me for a moment. I was impressed by the imagination. Actually, that detail itself almost made the whole trip worth it!

    I purchased Enna Burning by Shannon Hale, a book I have read before but never owned (I wrote a review on it a couple years ago here on my blog). There were at least ten or more books I dearly wished to buy, but alas; a nanny's pocketbook is rarely full enough to purchase a whole shelf of treasures.

    Besides this, my friend and I enjoyed an unplanned but peaceful scenic drive around a lake, a visit to the beautiful Victorian-styled Lake Harriet Bandstand, the Lakewood Cemetery, and we even discovered a sidewalk 'little library' box, in which we left a secret note in dwarfish script (based on that found within the Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien). It read,

'Greetings, dear reader.
I hope you enjoy your books.
From the green elves of the north.'

And I drew a little symbol using the first letters of my and my friend's names. I hope someone finds it and takes the time to discover what it says! Simple though it is, I presume it will make a nice bookmark for its discoverer. We decided next time we came by - for I am sure that we will, perhaps this spring or summer - to bring a book or two to trade. How will I ever give up one of my books, though, even if I get one in return?? Maybe I will just pick up a random book at a garage sale and trade that instead. 'One man's trash is another man's treasure.'

    All in all, though we felt a bit rushed - I am certain we could have spent days in these places and not have enjoyed all they had to offer - the adventure was wonderful, truly worth the wait. And I am so thankful to the friend who gave this to me as my birthday gift. (Let's have more adventures soon, eh?) ;)

I realize it has been long since I last wrote - over two months, I believe! Well, I shall simply have to make up for that. After so much time, I have much to tell.