wishing

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Summer, 2015

Sometimes wishing hurts, as when you're wishing for something that you know you just can't have. It's so easy to "dwell on dreams and forget to live", as Dumbledore so wisely conveys to Harry in the Sorcerer's Stone. (Yes, wisdom can be discerned from even secular movies, with the right worldview.)

I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be excited about, so much to do... And yet, I know there is one thing I want more than anything in this world, and waiting is... *sigh*... oh, it's so hard!

Yet as I often quote to myself, 'What is easy is worth little; what is fought for tirelessly is priceless.'

I will wait, because I know it will be worth it, and I will thank the Lord for what I have. He is good! So good....

{Post-marriage, Summer 2016}

I'm living in a dream! The very dream I've had since my childhood. The very fantasy of having a husband, a home of my own, a wedding ring around my finger, of having a husband who loves the Lord... This dream came true this April 30th. I've been a Mrs. 3 months, and already it has been a joyful and fulfilling experience.

Brandyn is the most patient man, the most gentle, the most humble, and has strength and a work ethic to match. I can't believe God has blessed me - ME! - with such a man!

In addition to all of the pleasures, I have experienced the temptations in marriage; for example, the impulse to be sarcastic, short, selfish, and overall sinful. I cannot name even once when Brandyn has failed me, but I fail him every day. It is supremely humbling, convicting, and sanctifying to have him daily by my side. And I love him! My affection has in no way dwindled, and neither my devotion. Though I fail him daily, "a righteous man falls seven times and rises again", and so I press on and seek by the Lord's strength to do better.

I am blessed by the opportunity to help him by doing the laundry, cooking, and dishes, and I love waking up at 5am to make him breakfast before work. It's a healthy toil to deny myself a little extra sleep and bless him.

He helps me too! He keeps me on track, pays the bills, answers most of the emails, and makes the decisions in the way only a godly man who loves the Lord can. And I couldn't do any of this without him.

One of the brightest highlights of my day is seeing his face after work, and jumping into his arms for a big hug and kiss.

Best of all, by far, is being able to read the Bible and pray consistently with him every day! I read to him in the early morning hour, and he reads to me before we go to sleep.

I don't deserve this, but I thank the Lord that He gave it to me anyway. This really is a dream come true; no more wishing for me!

withered rose

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When drifts of snow are dried away by gusts of wind and rain
Tree buds are blooming
The clouds are moving
And clear away all the pain

Though life is crowded by confusion that retreats, returns and grows
God's guiding my heart
Through this troubling part
Making a garden of this withered rose

wild rumpus

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Surprises. I have had a lot of them lately.

I have a complex view of surprises; if I know generally what to prepare for, what to expect, I will probably like it a lot; if it seems like everyone knows what it is except for me, I will be virtually tortured until the surprise is at length revealed; if I know something is up, but when I ask about it no one will tell me anything except 'You'll like it', I will be all but driven mad. But perhaps the most surprising thing of all is that I really have enjoyed every one of the most recent surprises immensely. I guess it is just 'getting there' that is hard for me.

About three or so weeks ago, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party (my little sister had a huge hand in it; I think it was even her idea in the first place). I am the sort that when I see something fishy going on - people quieting or shifting feet when I come near, sharing whispers and occasionally glancing my way, or the like - I fine-tune my ears, sharpen my vision, and become the most aware and suspicious sleuth I know.

    Having discovered the hard way from a previous mystery party that my attitude only increased my irritation as no one would tell me anything - that, of course, is what surprises are supposed to be - I, this time, was purposefully ignoring the symptoms of secret-keeping. And besides this, my friends (who had quickly learned my tendency to grow snoopy) were being extra careful to keep me in the dark.

    After returning home from some fun hours of lunch and shopping with one of my best friends, my little sister drew me into our library - my dad is amazing, and we actually have a room devoted entirely to books, and our grand piano (and well, the TV, too) - by playing one of my favorite video games, Spyro: A Hero's Tail. (I cannot resist it, and boy, does she ever know my weakness!)

    About to chastise her for gaming without me, I stopped short when I saw the elaborate streamers, and then looked to the side to see almost our entire church youth group huddled against the wall, smiling like excited imps - they looked somewhere between plain happy and mischievous - and it took me all of a split second to realize what was going on. Then they jumped up and yelled 'surprise', at which I teared up; this, partly because I was impressed at how well they had kept everything a secret without annoying me, and partly because I felt so honored, privileged, and special that they had put in the time and energy to make a surprise party just for little old me on my twentieth birthday.

    And you know what? It ended up being one of the best surprises I had ever had!

When my grandparents took me to the Ordway to see the Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra last Friday, I knew exactly where I was going, exactly who with and what for; I was informed that the venue would be fancy - you understand I had never been there before - and that I would most certainly enjoy it a great deal. What surprised me was that it was well beyond what I expected: Infinitely lovelier, far more spacious and grand, and the music above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I learned that Mendelssohn's piece 'The Hebrides Overture (Fingal's Cave)' is possibly my favorite piece of music ever - other, of course, from my favorite song, In Christ Alone, and my favorite hymn, Come Thou Fount.

    It was the best kind of surprise - better than I could have hoped or dreamed.

And this morning, one of my very best friends in all the world took me on a trip she admitted she had been planning for about a month. She had given me a card the previous Sunday at church telling me she was taking me on an adventure, and suggested some things for me to bring: Bible, notebook, camera, and (of course) adventure boots!

    She picked me up this morning and brought me to Minneapolis to a little bookstore for 'young people' (about ages 3 to at least 20). ;) It was called 'Wild Rumpus' - just like from Where the Wild Things Are. (And just for the record, I love that book!)

    We spent a few hours in that store, looking at new books, treasuring old ones we had read before, ogling various artwork, and petting the chickens. Yes, they had chickens in the store - petite little things, one black and one grey - roaming free for anyone to enjoy. Several children were chasing after the hens intermittently, and finally my friend gently caught one and cuddled with it for a few minutes. The hen did not seem to wish to leave her hand! There were also caged Chinchillas, many pretty birds, and even a small tarantula named Thomas Jefferson.

    I wish I could describe the ceiling for you, yet I am afraid I will not do it justice. The creativity raised my eyebrows and drew in my camera for a click or two. It had two layers, one of water and a lower one of ice, which appeared to be being cracked by a canoe. The sight daunted me for a moment. I was impressed by the imagination. Actually, that detail itself almost made the whole trip worth it!

    I purchased Enna Burning by Shannon Hale, a book I have read before but never owned (I wrote a review on it a couple years ago here on my blog). There were at least ten or more books I dearly wished to buy, but alas; a nanny's pocketbook is rarely full enough to purchase a whole shelf of treasures.

    Besides this, my friend and I enjoyed an unplanned but peaceful scenic drive around a lake, a visit to the beautiful Victorian-styled Lake Harriet Bandstand, the Lakewood Cemetery, and we even discovered a sidewalk 'little library' box, in which we left a secret note in dwarfish script (based on that found within the Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien). It read,

'Greetings, dear reader.
I hope you enjoy your books.
From the green elves of the north.'

And I drew a little symbol using the first letters of my and my friend's names. I hope someone finds it and takes the time to discover what it says! Simple though it is, I presume it will make a nice bookmark for its discoverer. We decided next time we came by - for I am sure that we will, perhaps this spring or summer - to bring a book or two to trade. How will I ever give up one of my books, though, even if I get one in return?? Maybe I will just pick up a random book at a garage sale and trade that instead. 'One man's trash is another man's treasure.'

    All in all, though we felt a bit rushed - I am certain we could have spent days in these places and not have enjoyed all they had to offer - the adventure was wonderful, truly worth the wait. And I am so thankful to the friend who gave this to me as my birthday gift. (Let's have more adventures soon, eh?) ;)

I realize it has been long since I last wrote - over two months, I believe! Well, I shall simply have to make up for that. After so much time, I have much to tell.

autumn

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And so begins the end.
The golden days.
The days of fire.
Farewell, my Friend.
I shall miss you.
I shall miss your ember-hued boughs.

Thank you for burning for me.
One day please come back again.

the giving tree

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There is pain that builds character and a pain which over time makes strong

yet the pain of a broken heart sadly lasts so dreadfully long

I fight a losing battle with myself against my hopes and dreams each day

and suffer the consequences with tears when I fail to seek God's way

Puritan Prayer
"Holy Lord, I have sinned times without number, and been guilty of pride and unbelief, of failure to find Your mind in Your Word, of neglect to seek You in my daily life. My transgressions and short-comings present me with a list of accusations, but I bless You that they will not stand against me, for all have been laid on Christ. Go on to subdue my corruptions, and grant me grace to live above them. Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings of the mind bring my spirit into subjection, but rule over me in liberty and power. I thank You that many of my prayers have been refused. I have asked amiss and do not have, I have prayed from lusts and been rejected, I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness. Go on with Your patient work, answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers, and fitting me to accept it. Purge me from every false desire, every base aspiration, everything contrary to Your rule. I thank You for Your wisdom and Your love, for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject, for sometimes putting me into the furnace to refine my gold and remove my dross. No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin. If You should give me choice to live in pleasure and keep my sins, or to have them burnt away with trial, give me sanctified affliction. Deliver me from every evil habit, every accretion of former sins, everything that dims the brightness of Your grace in me, everything that prevents me taking delight in You. Then I shall bless You, God of jeshurun, for helping me to be upright."

I wish to be like the giving tree, giving and giving with unconditional love, until there is nothing left of me. I want to earn treasure in heaven rather than fight for perishing treasures here on earth. I want to make others happy. I want God to be glorified. I want what I do not want because what I want is not right; therefore I want to stop wanting it so that what I want most is that of wanting what God wants more than what I want; but if what I want turns out to be what God wants, than I want nothing more.

Patience, time, and prayer.

Mueller wedding favourites

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the parlor of life

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I have been attempting to read more of late. And write. And spend time with people. And balance an impossible number of activities on my plate as I saunter through the parlor of life.

So many distractions. So many interesting things that tempt me to turn away from my course. I look back and can see the marks on the rugs where I had been dragging my feet against the Lord's will for my life.

    Up ahead, some windows are open, some yet still closed. Where is He taking me? What is the destiny that lies on the not-yet-tread path before me?

To make my life a little more balanced, I usually choose one or two activities that must be accomplished and pour my whole day into making certain they are deliberately and effectively taken care of.
    Oh, the many weddings I have seen these past two seasons -- folders and folders of photos to edit! Oh, the plans, the books to read, the people to see... My sweet sister phrased it as being such a blessing that we have so many beautiful things to compete for our time. A blessing indeed. That is a better way of looking at it than, 'I never have enough time to do everything!'

My older sister, Lilly, is off in California presently, visiting two of her dear friends who are there for college. She has been excitedly planning this trip for many weeks, and now it is thenceforth commenced! I have been praying for her often since I awoke this morning; ill as I have been with a cold, I could not accompany her with my mom and other sister to the airport to see her off, but I know she is in the Lord's hands. She has arrived there safely, and I am certain will have a full and precious time there, and return home also in safety.

    With all hope, my younger sister, Emily, will be able to win their homecoming volleyball game tomorrow evening. When determined, she and her friends make an excellent team. These girls have never played better than they have this season, so much have they improved since last year when they started out practically from scratch!

    I also hope to be able to enjoy some fellowship with some of my dear youth group after the game -- Ultimate Frisbee (although I will probably only watch and take pictures), some delicious food, and time in God's Word and prayer.

    And this Saturday, if all goes well and I am healthy enough, I will be visiting my dear friend, second-cousin, and pen-pal on campus at her college. Freshly graduated, Elaine is my friend from Illinois whom I only very rarely get to spend time with. We became best friends through writing letters faithfully since early 2007, and I have not seen her in months. I am very excited that she has come to Minnesota for college; visits will surely be more regular than before!

    Ah, life.
It does become crowded, and not everything occurs just the way you want it to, nor is everything that occurs something you would have wanted in the first place! In my case, however, I am learning to be thankful for everything. I am so thankful to be me; a writer and sister and daughter and granddaughter and friend, a cat-owner and household launderer, a tree-climber and tea-drinker and Once Upon A Time fan -- who is by the way quite excited for the season premier this Sunday! -- a two-year pianist (still awful at it), a bookworm, a reforming sugar addict (Truvia, my sweet-tooth friends, Truvia), and, best of all, a child of God.

    If there is one thing I have learned, the best remedy for feeling 'down' is listing off all of the gifts God has given me, and simply saying 'Thank You!'

The parlor of life does not seem quite as crowded now. It is easier to not drag my feet where God is leading me. The windows, open or closed, do not frighten or concern me as much as they have been.

    Remembering how God has cared for me all of my days so far helps me have faith that He will continue to uphold me and keep His promises for the future. And, as every Christian so joyfully hopes in,
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." 

-Romans 8:28

Know... all things... good... love... purpose...

That hope certainly makes the burden of each day far, far easier to bear!

hope and praise

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Hope. That's what I feel right now. Amazing. God has brought peace; He is directing my heart back unto the path of righteousness. Our Pastor spoke this morning about Revelation chapters Four and Five, and spoke a great deal on Christ and the Rapture and the Second Coming. It reminded me, 'In Christ alone' (my life motto.) Amidst all of my confused and selfish feelings and thoughts these past couple of week that Christ is my Savior, my First Love, my all-in-all. His love is my comfort. I am so grateful! If you remember my last post, I was struggling a great deal. I willn't say that the struggle has been entirely eradicated; however, I can see the Lord working, and I know that He is strengthening me for all of my little trials.

Beacon of Hope is the best and strongest church I have ever known. It is home. It is family. And I would not trade a moment at church for anything else in all of creation! My friends are godly, swords sharpening my sword with their love and friendship. I stayed up late last night with one of my best friends at her house - I was sleeping over there with my sister - and we discussed all kinds of interesting and beautiful things. As we were talking I realized how much I have been taking her friendship for granted. (This is the same friend with whom I was stargazing last week.) God is using her to edify and grow me, more than she may ever know. Thank the Lord for her and her sweet family!

Actually, I have been taking pretty much everything in my life for granted, now that I think about it. My parents, siblings, cat, bedroom (all to myself), new antique chair, plenty of food to eat every day, my very own Bible that I can read freely all hours of the day.... I wonder how I can ever feel miserable. And yet, Christ is enough without all of these extra things. O Lord, forgive me for my constant selfishness; help me to thank You always for all of the gifts You have given me, and to love You more than any of them!

Hope. Knowing that in the end Christ is all that matters has lifted up my soul out of its pained confusion. I am simply content to be His. Praise the Lord!

to go beyond

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Poetry. Architecture. Writing. Music. Life. People. Friends. Faith.

Those seen above are words continually being cycled and recycled through my train of thoughts. New ideas, possibilities, opportunities are all swirling together, confusing what I have always wanted with what I am beginning to understand I really have wanted underneath it all along.

To sacrifice my treasured ideas, to go beyond the lands I am familiar with, to climb up and over the walls that have held me in... it is a frightening stage of my life, challenging, befuddling, even painful. I have begun to wonder if I truly know myself.

Questions are being posed in my life for the first time, and I do not understand nor dare venture to blindly guess the answers.

The vagueness and metaphorical ramblings I am using are the only way I know to explain my feelings without declaring to the world subjects better left unspoken.

Here is one thing I can mention freely without such secretiveness: a friend of mine has been challenging me by his mere presence to examine my writing with more purpose and reflection, with more diligence and intelligence. I honestly feel outright stupid in his presence, and feel as though all of my writing is under his adept scrutiny. I fear his criticism because I am afraid to hear my writing is not good enough. I am afraid to have demands made of my skills to alter the treasured drafts of my novel into something I did not intend it to be. I know I am able to trust my friend's word; he is honest and encouraging, and most certainly very intelligent, indeed! What I fear is more specifically that after all of these years of writing, rewriting, growing, revising, and perfecting will be thrown away.
    Writing is like any other kind of artwork, always to be interpreted differently because each and every interpreter is different. And I honestly have been tired, under-slept, and altogether irritable this past week, which has made all aspects of life more challenging. I selfishly want to keep my writing to myself. I do not want fault to be found in it. I know fault exists. However, in my pride, I wish to find it first on my own before submitting it to criticism. Forgive me, my friend -- you know who you are -- I need a little more time to sort out my feelings and seek peace from the Lord before I allow you to read my novel.

Another part of this bowlful of spaghetti (which is the tangled mess of my life) consists of my prideful desire to not let myself be outdone by others. Juvenile but true. I am surrounded by artists, musicians, writers and all manner of skilled people by whom I feel challenged, or more accurately, threatened. I know I am not nor ever will be as talented as they are, and I am frustrating myself by trying to meet their level of skill. It is a fruitful process, however. I am beginning to understand who I am. And now, I am learning not to fight to be like others, as though that would be fulfilling, but to be myself; to pursue God's will for my life and use my talents for Him rather than to attempt to please others. And the Lord is helping me with my pride, piece by piece. For example...

Two nights ago, my sister and I had a dear friend over. We lingered outside whilst she was beginning to leave, and ended up lying out on the grass in our backyard, stargazing amidst the night fog and reading aloud Isaiah chapter forty. I have yet to dare admit it to her, but she is one of the brilliant friends of mine about whom I have been struggling with jealousy. She does not understand how talented she truly is, nor how humbled I feel whenever we spend time together.
    Anyway, I was being a coward that night. I looked up at the stars, so many and so distant that I could never dare to count them all. I felt so small, so pointless underneath their soft glow. I imagined them singing to the Lord, twinkling for His glory, and I forced myself to cease from my self-pity. Forgive me, Father. I prayed and I prayed with a heart full of sorrow. I hate my pride and selfishness, and I hate this haunting jealousy and the competitiveness that is destroying the joy in my life.
    As my dear friend began to leave -- she did not know I was struggling with these awful feelings, and was saying such sweet things about not deserving my and my sister's friendship, and we agreed -- well, she was in her car, just starting to drive away when she reached out her hand.
    I had to make a choice. In that little moment, hardly longer than a breath, I considered my many fears and especially what I feared most: I feared being always less skilled than she; I feared my selfishness; I feared losing this opportunity. These were my options: I could take her hand, pretending there was no struggle of jealousy in my heart. I could let her hand remain extended until the car rolled out of reach, leaving her thinking there was something barring me from extending my full friendship. There was yet still a third option, and this was the one I chose. I reached out and took hold of her hand, inwardly crying out 'forgive me'!
    This is the same friend who has said that she always reads my blog posts. She is busy today, and will continue to be so for a while, but I hope she finds the time to read this. I do ask your forgiveness, my dear, dear friend!
 
And of course, I hope we all are remembering the meaning of today's date. 9/11. It represents the dreadful, painful experience of the Twin Towers, serving as a reminder to not waste a moment of the precious time we have.


So, these are a few of the trials in my life at the moment. The presence of the aforementioned friends around me is being used to challenge me to do nothing; that is, to instead of attempting to be as good at everything as they are, to remain humble, which is in many ways a far greater challenge.
    Challenge accepted.

Lord, by Your grace, help me be content, to be patient, to go beyond...

                                                                                   In Christ alone,

Enigma of the Night

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From November 6th, 2012 Tuesday, a poem with a forgotten tune of a song I wrote for pleasure:

//Enigma of the Night//

Verse 1:
There's a feather floating on the breeze
Dancing through and past the trees
T'ward the great and fearful seas
    to swim instead of fly

Undiminished drops of dew
Drop on by right next to you
Sitting there on the toadstool
    to hide instead of shine

Bridge:
We all have seen those kinds of days when life won't satisfy
Until it gives-in to our will and grants us a surprise

Chorus:
Fairy-tales, fantasy, starlight riddled with our dreams
We all want to know how it would feel to fly
Fairy-tales, fantasy, all the raindrops in the sea
It's a mystery that no one can deny


Enigma of the night

Verse 2:
There's a jewel in the rocks
List'ning as the starlight mocks
And it breaks free of its stocks
    to glow instead of cry

...

Bridge 2:
We all have seen those kinds of days when life won't satisfy
Until it gives-in to our will and grants us a new prize

Chorus 2:
Fairy-tales, fantasy, things aren't always as they seem
All our trouble only last a little time
Fairy-tales, fantasy, all the tears upon my sleeve
It's a mystery that no one can deny

Enigma of the night

dependent soul

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When the things of this life which we cling to are ripped from our hands, when dreams and aspirations are placed just out of reach, when doors are closed, when our hopes are dashed... where else can we turn but to Christ? If we do not depend on Him, surely we will fall. A Christian might be dragged along and eventually come to the end of God's path, but scarred and having lost all opportunities to live righteously and store up treasure in heaven.

Everyone depends on something. Circumstances, dreams, money, pets, people... the list is endless. But the Christian must learn not to grasp these fleeting things, but depend only upon the Lord. Just like Peter, when walking on water towards Christ looked about at the storm all around him began to sink, so we, if we turn our eyes from God's will revealed in His Word, feel ourselves begin to drown.

I was drowning. I had to cry out for Christ to save me, and He pulled me up and out of the flood. I almost found it funny; my stupidity, that I had fallen yet again. Lord, how many time have You proved Your power and love to me? Countless times! And yet I still doubt. You let me go under only long enough to remind me that I need to depend on You alone. And then You always rescue me. Thank You, Lord!

People can tell themselves they don't depend on anything, but believe me, everyone does. It can be life itself, it can be the prospect of a brighter tomorrow, it can even be revenge... we've all seen the movies. Everyone wants something, everyone is driven by some desire and depends upon the arrival to their personal end. We are dependent souls. And because I can't stress it enough, I will repeat: unless a person depends only upon the Lord Jesus Christ, they will find themselves falling, and falling hard, drowning in the sin of selfish ambition and not fulfilling the glorious purpose of every man: living to give God glory.

Last week, as part of a testimony of things God has been teaching them recently, some dear friends of mine confessed a need for this dependence. I have been feeling the same absence of this Christian attribute in my life, and was grateful to see the Lord working to point out the same want in the lives of my brethren. We are wholly united; in our weaknesses, in the love and power of God, in the most certain hope of heaven. And this is to me a great comfort.

Yet, there has been no greater comfort than to know that God is with me. I depend on Him.

Stories

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Stories.

It's at the Beginning of a tale when the very heart of what it is all about is revealed.

The Middle, the End... these also play a large role in unraveling the truth about the meaning of a tale, but nothing should say it so plainly as the very Beginning.

The Beginning draws the reader in. A writer can tell so much that the reader may guess the ending, but can also tell so little that one feels draw to discover how that end may come about.

What makes a story so special? Is it the characters, and how loveable they are? Is it the drama, the plot, the atmosphere, or the words? No.

A story goes far deeper than words. It goes far deeper than the skill with which the story is woven, or even the material the writer has chosen for his or her craft.

What makes a story special is the writer.

What goes into a story is not just ideas or dreams or words... it is the writer. Their thoughts, feelings, needs, and yes, even their very heart must be poured into a story to make it so very special.

It seems to be quite proven that the stories which are close to us are the ones we grew up with, the ones we treasured, the ones that became a part of us.

Stories go beyond teaching us morals or guiding us on a path with a character to which we can relate, or through mysterious lands, or into curious circumstances in which we wish to partake. Stories tells us who we are when we least know what to think. They are our teachers, our friends... they flow through our beings like our own blood and are equally as essential.

Those who live apart from stories lack the fervor, the excitement, the love which we who cling to stories have in full. It is a dry, coarse world which neglects to stop and pay attention to the little things, to remember a childhood fantasy, a poem tied more firmly around their being than their own name...

There is something inexplicably personal about stories because a story is made up of a person.

This is what makes a story believable.

This is what makes a story so special.

This is what makes a story real.

Hope

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"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

-Hebrews 11:1

I'm sure we Christians all reach places in our life where we feel we've never needed so much faith ever before. I'm sure we've all come to roads so uneven, we barely have the energy to hope against all of the pain. And I don't know about you, but I've learned that the world can never carry our burdens for us; that's our Savior's job. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt. 11:29-30.)

Well, I'm exhausted. About an hour ago, I thought I might collapse from lack of peace, anxiety, nervousness, and fear. God is so gracious to answer our prayers. The butterflies in my stomach have not ceased their dance, but my mind and heart are not so despondent as they were. I might say it helps to have a cuddly cat to keep me company, but I know for a fact that my only true solace if from the Lord's loving hand. He is my consolation. He has promised my destiny lies within the gates of heaven, ever eternally by His side... What more can I ask for?

I expect that my whole world might just turn upside down tomorrow somehow. I feel like Alice when she tumbles into Wonderland; so many curious things happen to her that she begins to wonder what isn't possible!

"From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

-Psalm 61:2

"You will make known to me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

-Psalm 16:11

I was so deep in thought that I ignored food half of the day. I needed spiritual sustenance first, and my mind needed to be fed with the peace of prayer before I could fill my body with daily bread. The Lord has provided for me.

Rest, sweet rest, I welcome you this night. The sun sets... oh, sunsets! ... I will rise and praise the Lord because He is always there for me.

Sunsets

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I've been thinking about sunsets; a collision of bright blues and burning oranges, beams of golden sunlight, and a harmonious choir of clouds singing a song of praise to God with their colors, until the sun is eclipsed by the horizon and the day gives way to night.

Sometimes I feel cold, alone, weak... so cold. And then next, the warmth of a memory returns. I am so easily discouraged, and yet so easily cheered-up again. Why is my mind so fickle?

I'm moved by the emotions of music, by the troubles and feelings of the characters in my novel as I write out their past, present and future. I'm so in tune with their story right now, I feel like I'm living their lives.

Where do the days go? I feel more like I'm in a dream than the real world. And sometimes tears build a bridge to a better shore, though it hurts to cry. And then I find myself flying, dancing, singing because of the littlest things. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One day confused and afraid, the next alive and bright and happy. May God forgive my changeableness and insufficient faith.

I'm drowning in ideas, dreams, words, and worries. I find myself trembling, unable to breathe. I know I seem patient, controlled, calm on the outside, but the inward battle rages ever on. I have to speak up. I have to ask. I have to know the answer. Until I have that peace, I'm praying my heart out to the Lord for the patience I lack.

I spend all of my energy thinking and hoping and gathering courage, and once the few opportunities slip from my grasp, I'm left with an empty hole inside -- disappointment. I'm beautifully tortured.

The sun will rise. And then the sun sets.

the devouring of books...

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...and the adventures of spring

It's always a treat when one is able to sleep-in an extra hour and then wake up to see sunshine, feel the warmth of the day, and breathe a thankful prayer to God.

Lately, I've wanted nothing more than to READ. I've been having the worst time with self-control when it comes to reading my Bible first thing in the morning. I actually did it today, before anything else. As always, just finally obeying God brought a beautiful peace and joy into the day.

    Yesterday, I read Leviticus 26, which is about God promises, either for good things should they obey Him, or for punishment should they disregard Him and fall into sin. This is the first time I've ever read Leviticus all the way through (just chapter 27 left, then I'm done!), and I can absolutely see it's value as part of God's Word. That is to say, a lot of people don't find it necessary because it's so full of SACRIFICE and LAWS, and all kinds of things that Christians don't need in order to live to God in this age.

    But it is necessary.

    God takes sin very seriously, and He wants His people to be set apart from the sinful ways of the world, to live a righteous life and to give Him the glory. He promises to bless our obedience and provide for our needs, but He will discipline us if we should fall away into temptation, forgetting His promises.

    I believe God has preserved this record (Leviticus) for us to remind us of the importance of godliness, holiness, true faith; it isn't a prayer-a-day kind of lifestyle, it's COMPLETE DEVOTION to God! If He was willing to DIE to spare us from an eternity in hell - we who are sinful, unworthy sheep who will stray from fields of hearty food and protection for one blade of withered grass - then we better not waste this one short life we have, but cooperate with the Holy Spirit in order to be sanctified, in preparation for God's one day perfecting us and - at last! - the eternal bliss of heaven.

Oh, I could go on and on about all that forever!

Along with suchlike weighty thoughts, I've been having lots of pretty little dreams at night and a great deal of story inspiration. Having discovered Shannon Hale's eight month-old book Princess Academy: Palace of Stone, I've found an ocean of new ideas and insight into characters I've loved for years from the prequel, Princess Academy (which I've read four times). I always marvel at Shannon Hale's knowledge of her characters - she always knows just what they want, just how to express all that they think and feel, and just when to give them what they need or want most. I'm a terribly distracted reader, so it takes me forever to finish a book, but my word... when I sit down with this, it's really, really hard to put it away!

    As far as my novel-in-progress, I've been able to finish some exhaustive editing and am adding piece by piece to a new chapter. It takes self-control to jump on the laptop and work on my novel instead of rushing onto Pinterest or 700 other websites at my fingertips - it's so easy to run out of time in a day by wasting it on useless games. I don't like having hardly accomplished anything useful by the end of a day. When I procrastinate, I'm reminded of a favorite quote from Princess Academy:

No wolf falters before the bite

So strike

No hawk wavers before the dive

Just strike

When struggling with the desire to do something else besides writing, I say 'no' to my distractions and command myself, 'just do it, just work on it, and you'll be so, so glad you did'. (Which is pretty much what I had to do to get myself to read my Bible, even on such a beautiful, motivating day.)

I bought a new purse from Thirty-One, a cross-body, just large enough for a notepad, a smallish book, my mp3, a pen, various re-charger cords, my keys, my glasses case, travel toothbrush, flashlight, travel Bath & Body lotion, and my library card. Now, that probably sounds like a lot, but I usually carry all that plus two or three MORE books, a small journal, an extra one or two pens and a pencil, a camera or yarn and knitting needles, and sometimes a thermal tote besides all of that if I'm babysitting and need to pack food.

    So, yeah... I decided to downsize a bit, and although I love having a variety of things to read and no small amount of trinkets I probably won't end up using with me wherever I go, it has been nice to not have too much extra weight on my shoulders (literally). Besides, the new little purse is a cute style, and in a favorite teal/mint color that seems REALLY popular right now.

Tea. Thesaurus. Cashews. Books. Novel. Music. Blue dusk. Spring. God's Word. Life.

It has been a lovely day, full of much more than I mentioned to the brim of what a mostly-relaxing day can contain, including errands to the grocery store, bank, JoAnne Fabrics & Crafts (my little sister is making a Steampunk 1880's dress for her drama class performance next month), a visit to one of my best friends (the library; I now have four more books I've never read before), and naturally frequent trips to my imagination - but if I went into detail, you'd never reach the end of this post, or worse, be bored stiff before you came close. ;)
 

Thank you for reading this, even if only a tiny bit; the number of page-views I get encourage me to keep blogging, more than you know! God bless,

steps into spring

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Spring is on the move.

At least here in Minnesota, we've had a few fluctuating false springs so far as winter has fought to keep it's strength up --- but no longer. Snow is finally melting, and I'm beginning to feel the warm promise of flowers and all growing things in the air.

Though I've visited my blog so very little this winter, life has not hit a lull.

During this week of spring break, I have not been needed to babysit my niece, as is usually a regular part-time activity, and there haven't been any piano lessons --- two large chunks of my week (when you include the extra babysitting that goes along with the lessons). The week, however, has had no trouble at all filling itself up, as it always does.

I find myself still wasting plenty of time watching various movies, usually in the evening, a habit of which I am trying to rid myself.

I've made headway in my novel, and am almost done with a long-winded editing process so that I should be able to move on to just plain writing by Monday. (Hopefully....)

As much as I love The Goose Girl, and Melanie Dickerson's works, I think The Hobbit is moving up a long ways on the favorite books list. The first time I read it, I had a hard time picturing everything, but since An Unexpected Journey came to theaters, the story and even the characters have been come easier to keep track of, understand, and love. I'm reading the book for the second time, and should break down and purchase my own copy anytime the next time I babysit and have some spare cash. ;)

Spring means it's almost my little sister's birthday (Emily), which I probably look forward to more than my own! I have a few little presents for her already, and know about a few bigger ones from our older sister, Lilly. I think knowing helps me anticipate the day even more.

Spring also means that the snow will be melting soon, the grass and leaves will be coming back, and through all of this, I'll have some fresh scenes to take photos of. (I really want to practice portraits this spring, and I'm already scoping out some good sites for these.)

Spring is a wonderful motivator. After a good long winter, it's time to step outside, stretch out the hibernating cramps, and go do something!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank You, Lord, for another new year, 

and thank You especially for another Good Friday anniversary!

toothless ... part two

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Thank you to anyone who prayed for me during my wisdom tooth removal yesterday. If I could have had it go any way, I would have chosen just exactly what happened! I don't remember the surgery at all, just talking to the surgeons a little bit, then waking up in a cot with my mom next to me, and a nurse nearby. I tried to talk right away, which was really difficult because of numbing as well as the gauze in the back of my mouth --- that part made me tear-up in frustration --- but it wasn't more than a few minutes later before I was communicating all right. I started cracking jokes, which was my plan all along. I was perfectly content, and don't recall any pain at all. Actually, even when they had put the IV in for anesthesia (an experience I've heard an awful lot of unpleasant stories about), it wasn't that bad, not nearly as much as I expected. 

    It made me feel more confident.

Being wheeled out to the car was an interesting experience; it was weird to not be able to stand on my own two feet. My mom had the car pulled-up to the door, and she and the nurse helped carry me in. After that, I started to relax and almost fell asleep. Emily had been finishing babysitting for me, so we picked her up when we left the hospital, and then we stopped to pick up my prescribed pain-killers, then came home.

Em and mom helped support me up the stairs (we have a split-entry), and then into bed. Boy, it felt good to be drowsy and just rest! I still didn't feel any pain. Emily read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets aloud until I fell asleep, and then later, she and Lilly were baking cookies around the time I woke up. I watched Once Upon a Time (my favorite TV show), and then Em and I watched some I Love Lucy and then X-Men United (the second one), but I don't think we finished it.

The lower left side of my face hurts when I touch it, which I believe is because that was the only wisdom tooth that hadn't started coming out, yet. So far, that's pretty much the only pain I've had, but for a little bit of soreness. And right now, I'm wide-awake, jolly, and even energetic. I went downstairs without trouble, have been getting all of my own food for myself. I'm not having any trouble with dizziness or weakness --- the truth is, I feel great!

Oh, and I actually did have one of my sisters' delicious cookies last night. They were freshly-baked, and therefore warm and soft. I nibbled off little pieces and rubbed them between my tongue and the roof of my mouth. Other than that, (and a half spoonful of cookie dough) I've stuck to completely soft foods like pudding and yogurt and a little ice cream, which are things I love to snack on any day. Despite all of the horror stories I've heard and the expectations of something going wrong, God and my family have been taking excellent care of me --- I'm wanting for nothing. And the oral surgeon said my swelling will be at it's peak tomorrow. Believe it or not, looking like a chipmunk is what I've been looking forward to the most! ;)

When the nurse settled me into the wheelchair right after I woke up from my surgery, I just wanted to sing praise to God! My heart was bursting with happiness and gratitude because of how well things went, and I'm still praising Him in my heart.

My mom is going to go see my grandparents tonight, and if I'm up to it, she might take me along! I'm excited; I haven't seen them since the beginning of the week, and I want to see how they're doing, and share my praise to God with them!

At this rate, I'll be feeling just great for church on Sunday, which is really good, because I'm helping set-up and training for the laptop slides!

Thank You, Lord, for making this such an easy, painless experience! All praise and glory be to You, for all that You are, and all that You have done!

               Amen.

November Anew

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The November sun has been hugging the south wall of the world here in Minnesota, shining brightly as if to encourage dreams and the little hopes of pleasures associated with this beautiful season. I can almost smell the pumpkin pie from here in the future; that spiced delight wafting around the house, fresh from the oven; turkey drizzled with gravy, mashed red or sweet potatoes, green beans, and a dish overflowing with steaming corn... And it isn't just the food --- it's everything. November reminds me to be thankful for everything.

    Last year I wrote about 25 or so posts on things I was thankful for. I don't want to be so formatted this time; I want to just write about the beautiful gifts God sends one at a time without planning it all out.

    Right now, one of the things I'm most thankful for is health. Last week, my whole family was exposed to a pretty bad case of the stomach flu. My niece, brother and sister-in-law caught it first, and I from them since I've been babysitting for my niece routinely for the past several months. The night after they were sick, I was sick; and the night after that, my sisters were sick; and the night after that, my mom took her turn. And then two nights later, my dad started to feel ill --- even my grandparents have caught the bug! I know it's a bad one because my dad almost NEVER gets sick, and the flu we catch almost NEVER spreads like this --- it's been like wildfire!

    I'm grateful to have my food stay in my stomach!

There's no better way to start off one of the best months of the whole year with a midnight showing of a movie, especially one that has been looked forward to for seemingly countless weeks! Lilly and I went with a few friends to see Wreck-it-Ralph last night. (I posted about my excitement for this Disney-Pixar animation last month, going on and on about how cool it looked and how happy I was that Owl City wrote a song for it.) I walked into the theater already knowing from trailers, photos, suchlike and so on that it was going to be spectacular! And well, to put it plainly, it more than exceeded my expectations!
As far as animations go, I can almost always tell how much I'm going to enjoy them. Wreck-it-Ralph was no exception. Lilly obliged my wishes by taking photos of me on her phone, standing next to all the posters I liked in the theater (this was during the last 45 minutes before the movie started). Beside the large Wreck-it-Ralph poster, I squatted down right next to Fix-it-Felix Jr. --- I had begun to have an inkling that I was going to really, really like him a lot, and he turned out (not at all to my surprise) to be my favorite character! With his gentlemanly "ma'am", his "oh my lands!", the sound it makes when he bounces around, his willingness to risk his life to do what is right, and by-gosh, that cute little smile! I just love him.
    It's really so hard for me to not share spoilers with all of you about the storyline; I was glued to my chair the whole time. I guess I can at least share that I practically laughed my head off, and even started to cry at one point. And honestly, I should have seen the ending coming, but it completely took me by surprise, in the pleasantest way. I just love it when movies do that! Now, I just have to wait until it's officially released so that I can buy it, smuggle it into the DVD player, and wow the rest of my family unfortunate enough to have been sleeping by midnight last night and have $7.50 still tucked into their wallets.
    Someone please say I'm not the only one who is ridiculously excited about this movie!

And now, I'm sitting here at the computer, Bible before me (turned to John 8; great chapter from Christ's ministry), Owl City's 'When Can I See You Again' from Wreck-it-Ralph playing on YouTube (multiple times; I've seriously listened to it at least 15-20 or more times since I woke up this morning), and Merlin cued-up on Netflix. (Oh boy, Merlin is a whole story of its own! I'll be writing about that sometime soon, too, I'm sure.)

 

Well, November... you and I are off to a great start. ♥